Thread Comments: A grim, gritty thread. In a good way. The Oh’Pee in 711 does *not* sound like a fun place, and obviously one that does not produce nice people. Kasoria and Maxine both seem like tormented characters with a fraught and complex relationship. The action and violence were vivid and believable, allowing for the premise that the Oh’Pee is brutalizing to children, and that the Raggedy Man knows how to pick ‘em. I like the fact that the boys act like amateurs who are out of their depth, and at least initially ambivalent about attacking and fighting Max.
You both create for your characters a great tension arising from the need to live in the moment while being haunted by the past.
I have one major criticism, which I will go into in the individual comments below.
Kasoria
Experience: +15 xp
Knowledge:
Skill Knowledge:
Medicine: Concussion
Medicine: Signs of Concussion
Medicine: Dressing a Minor Wound
Medicine: Avoiding Infection
Medicine: Wash Minor Wounds
Intelligence: Identifying Stray from Baseline
Intelligence: Expect Betrayal
Tactics: Using Objects in Your Wake to Delay Chase
Tactics: Changing Paths Makes You Less Predictable
Skillplay: Approriate to level.
Comments:
There is a fair amount of god-moding in Kasoria’s writing in this thread, and it bothers me. Specifically, he on more than one occasion describes actions that Maxine has not yet mentioned taking. Also, you seem to describe things she perceives that her author has not written about observing. This gives the impression that either a) You two scripted the whole thing in advance, or b) Kasoria is unilaterally writing Max into a corner. Neither of these is good. I would ask that in the future you try to restrain your writing to what Kasoria and his NPCs can actually control.
All the above complaints notwithstanding, I really like your portrayal of the Raggedy Man. His intensity and cynicism. His anger and bitterness. His sadness for his lost son and his almost-but-not-quite affection for Max. I look forward to reading more of that!
Maxine
Experience: +15 x.p.
Knowledge:
Detection: Noting Signs of a Fight (blood under nails, bruises, torn clothing)
Intelligence: Expect Betrayal
Intimidation: Using Your Legend
Medicine: An Effective Healer is Well-Provisioned
Medicine: Checking Another For Injuries
Negotiation: Playing on Another's Desire to Prove Themselves
Negotiation: Harsh But Fair Terms Shut Down Neophyte Whining
Teaching: Trusting in Your Student (and thus yourself)
Teaching: Explaining the Lesson
Skillplay: Appropriate to level.
Comments: I saved most of my criticisms for my individual comments to Kasoria, but remember that this is your thread, too.
Max is an angry young woman, and has every reason to be. She is resourceful and tough, but also vulnerable. The way you described the fight with the three boys was genuinely suspenseful, and I was ready to believe while reading it that things might turn out even worse for Max than they did.
Maxine’s anger at Kasoria’s betrayal-as-object-lesson seemed genuine and heartfelt, and I got the impression that she didn’t so much forgive him as realize that she had no choice but to roll with it.