• Memory • The job that didn't pan out

Once an isolated and dying township, an influx of academics, adventurers and thrill seekers have made Scalvoris Town their home. From scholars' tea shops to a new satellite campus for Viden Academy, this is an exciting place to visit or make your home!

Moderators: Pegasus Pug!!!, Avalon

User avatar
Goku
Approved Character
Posts: 157
Joined: Sat Mar 13, 2021 3:02 pm
Race: Mixed Race
Renown: 0
Character Sheet
Character Wiki
Point Bank Thread
Wealth Tier: Tier 5

Milestones

Miscellaneous

The job that didn't pan out

Decided to just throw away instead of fix this mess
Last edited by Goku on Mon May 17, 2021 9:49 am, edited 1 time in total. word count: 10
User avatar
Doran
Peer Reviewer
Peer Reviewer
Posts: 3564
Joined: Sat Sep 03, 2016 3:43 am
Race: Mortal Born
Profession: Alchemist
Renown: 1162
Character Sheet
Character Wiki
Plot Notes
Templates
Letters
Point Bank Thread
Wealth Tier: Tier 10

Re: The job that didn't pan out

Image
Goku:

Knowledge:
Loot: -
Lost: -
Wealth: -
Injuries: -
Renown: -
Magic XP: -
Skill Review: See below.
Points: -
- - -
Comments: I thought that the beginning of this thread where you mentioned that Goku had tried stealing, but that it hadn’t been up his alley and that he was apprenticing under a blacksmith this time was amusing. In my opinion, this thread had all the ingredients for an entertaining story – Goku starting a new job, the mean boss and Goku’s sadness at the end of the thread.

Unfortunately, large parts of it were confusing and/or did not make any sense.

In a world like Idalos a smith wouldn’t just have a great number of premade blades and hilts that you just have to put together lying around. Weapons are likely made from scratch, and you’d check if the hit fits, work on it some more, and check again. I wasn’t sure about the smith’s reaction when Goku assumed that the tiny holes on the anvil were just decorative either.

In my opinion, letting out a feral roar, stomping off to the other side of the forge and banging away at something is a rather immature reaction, especially for someone who has likely instructed people before. Goku is quite obviously not that man’s only employee!

It wasn’t clear to me where exactly this was taking place. You mentioned a workshop, but later on, Goku’s boss shouts so loudly that the entire marketplace can hear him. Did he shout that loud that people could hear him through the walls? He has to shout very loudly for that! Furthermore, I’m not sure how his shouting extremely loudly causes people to wonder if he is blessed. Are they wondering if he has a blessing from an Immortal?

Crushing a rock with your bare hand at Competent Strength is not something that should be possible, even if the rock in question is not that hard. I’m also wondering about how extreme Goku’s reaction was (raising his hands and letting out a loud yell, among other things). (Half-)Avriel are rather emotional, but it sounds as if Goku was sitting there until nightfall which seems like an extremely long time.

There is no nightfall in Saun, by the way. In Saun, the suns are always shining, and there is light, even in the middle of the night. You can read more about the seasons here.

Furthermore, there are no hills in what seems to be relatively in the center of Scalvoris Town, and no road that stretches over a hill.

Finally, I’m not sure about you describing Goku as having a “soft heart”. When you have a soft heart, you feel sympathy which was clearly not the case here. I think “sensitive” would be a better word, for example. You also did not list all the skills that Goku used in the review request. “Strength” definitely played a part, for example. Those are only minor issues compared to the rest though.

Due to the number of issues in this thread I unfortunately cannot give you any rewards. This is not the first time you have submitted a thread that had such issues for review. The next time you do so, you will be given a warning. Please also check this page in that regard.

What I suggest that you do now is to check the rest of your threads in the review queue, make sure that they make sense, delete the review requests for threads that don’t, rewrite them and resubmit them to the end of the queue.

If you have any concerns, feel free to PM Pig Boy!
word count: 612

Mutations

N/A

Blessings

N/A

Worn Items

Ring of Reversal
Ring of Immunity
Post Reply Request an XP Review Claim Wealth Thread

Return to “Scalvoris Town”