[OOC] Machinations of a Rambler

[Patrick]

I've totally surprised myself as of yesterday because of how the unthinkable happened. See there's these things called deep seated fear, you know the oh so inescapable situations you have to eventually try and deal with. Before I go on though, know that this is actually good news for a change. I know the past week had been rather hectic and shyte so I thought maybe good news, in general, was something to share for a change!

So far I'd been reluctant to attempt gaining my driver's license, mainly because I have this inner um... paranoia isn't the word I'm looking for necessarily, but it isn't so much as a phobia either as I can most certainly drive when necessary. Anyways! For the longest time I avoided taken the written test for the permit, because like I said before I've always been so reluctant to be able to drive. As luck would have it yesterday I was roped into a situation where I pretty much wound up taking the test, and as I'd taken it a few times before and managed to fail, I expected the outcome to likely turn out the same as it were before.

Why is it I would fail the written test? Did I not study before the big exam? Well to be honest yes and no, there were times I did and still failed, then there were times where I just skimmed a quick review and still failed. Either way when it comes down to taking tests, and driving so its practically a double whammy, I become anxious throughout the exam and second guess my answers. Most of the time I would know a question well enough to pick right, but even then I still had to face the odds of being wrong by second guessing myself so much. Suffice it to say yesterday turned out differently as I finally passed the damn thing, and when I did I can certainly tell you I hadn't been so shocked by such a wonderful outcome.

Oh sure being one step closer to having a license is a little liberating... but the driving aspect never won me over anyways as a kid, so I guess that more or less played in part with my lack of enthusiasm in actually passing the exam. As far as the fear goes, I think its more unnerving than anything because of the fact I've had dreams. Dreams where I was driving and when it'd come down to it, the brakes would never stop the damned vehicle I was driving no matter how hard I pressed. There's those and of course the physical responsibility of knowing that I'm the one behind the wheel, either way I don't show much excitement in the aspect of driving period. Still; I managed to pass the test! About time too really.

Also today just so happens to be a birthday, my mother's in fact among many others as well. Who knew so many babies were born on the 30 of November! So yeah, I got to wish my mother happy birthday early this morning before work. Now that I'm home I think I'm going to unwind and finally focus on writing some more memory threads, Pat's history with Dominek is an interesting chapter to explore so if anybody was in Rharne in the past, be sure to hit me up for some possible threads! Here's to good times and good days ahead! Cheers!

[Patrick]

I'm sure everybody's beginning to notice that I've been dishing out boxcodes and templates without warning, and I just want you all to know that mainly its because I've caught the PS bug and can't help myself. I've always loved the aspect of graphic art and photo design/manipulation so its only natural I'd take interest like this, but in general I've also felt like contributing to this site in more ways than just fun plots. Right now the only way I know I'm effectively good with that is with templates and art, although I've managed to dabble a little in development and the Creating the World forum.

I have to say I've been hit pretty good with inspiration or something, because I honestly never would normally just throw random boxcodes together at whim. Used to be something I just didn't do really, as I tend to be my own worst critic and think my edits terrible. Often its a problem when I'm trying to work with putting words in templates like names or phrases, and that's either because the font isn't working like I wanted it to or just the scheme in coloration sticking out rather then blending together.

That aside though I've come to realize that I really do appreciate everybody on here, and things are certainly working out now that November is finally over. I've got a few good solid plots I'm still working on and will hopefully have ready to set into motion soon, and in turn will have Patrick active in Ne'haer this season as well! I intend to be a little more informative if not slightly descriptive of these plots, but only enough to outline them without revealing any spoilers! I just wanted to mainly express how grateful I am to everyone on here, so far the people on this site have been positive and receptive, its definitely helped changed my perspective of how an online community can be.

Cheers!

[Patrick]

When your chilling on your bed lurking around the forum and the next thing you know, you hear the biggest fucking fart your sibling's dog could ever rip.

[Patrick]

So here lately in the past week I'd mentioned things were looking up finally, and truth is that's still the case to be sure but somehow I feel... lost. For the entire week I've wanted to do nothing but sleep all day and by the time it came to end, I was too wired to do anything but too tired to really focus. Actually I think its pretty obvious what this is, because I've always had spells that were just as drawn out but rough in their own way. It's typically the warning signs for depression, and since I've been on medication I've not had to actually suffer a bout such as this in a while.

General anxiety and chronic depression go hand in hand when it comes to me, and its quite easily channeled to any and all forms of socialism. I withdraw from people, I avoid doing things I love to do, and in turn I pretty much just wind down and feel sad. Pathetic. I know I shouldn't but it's a mental state I've always lived with, one that frequented my mind ever since early years in junior high school. Maybe even before that come to think of it.

It's commonly said that usually when you can't find a way to express your problems; that it's best to somehow write them down and see what you put to words. For me I feel a crushing weight deep inside, like emotional weights are pulling me to the floor. There's a lot of sadness and loneliness, and towards others I generally grow irate towards the feelings are amplified. Just earlier before I left work I snapped at one of my coworkers, because he has this tendency to pretend he's all hot shit half the time. People like that already get on my nerves, so naturally when he ran his mouth I snapped back. Tamed mind you, I've never allowed myself to fully go off on a person. Anger takes over and when that happens I black out, so I try to avoid the stressful situation such as that altogether.

Anyways the point is I'm feeling stuck in a rut, something that commonly occurred off and on back home. I have to struggle with the reality of things, remind myself I'm not completely alone no matter how much I feel otherwise. Then comes the part that hurts the most, where I want to reach out to people and express what's on my mind, what really bothers me or crosses my mind in those few moments. Sure that's meant to be a good thing, but to me it feels like an instant act of desperation if not need for attention. I hate the aspect of this mentality because that's how confounding it is, to struggle with the deepest want for somebody to listen, yet at the same time the greatest mental fortitude is spent from even doing so; just so I could try and have a normal conversation and pretend things are fine.

So... are things fine? Yes. When things are fine, I use the word as a cover up to pretend they are. Fine is a definition that's lost its original meaning in my book, because at that point whenever I say "I'm fine" the obvious is far from the truth. And yes there are several things on my mind that continue this; they drag me further into a state of reflection as well as regret because of how things currently are. How reality currently is. Ask me any other day when I'm not troubled by all these things, and I'll tell you "Life is great right now," or "things are good actually," because for that moment things really are good. But now? In this mood, this near crippling depression I'm swallowed by, life is nothing but a joke to me. It's shit actually, and I prove to follow this by presenting apathy towards everything and everyone.

To put it mildly and narrow down everything that troubles me, as far as how much my mind has reflected on; I'm living in the middle of nowhere, have no friends that I can spend time with outside, have a job that is fun but emotionally draining at times (like now), got no real direction with where I'm going in life, haven't a single clue if I want to stay here or move back south, living with a narcissist and manipulative brother-in-law which (which just so happens to have the worst ability of financial management and priorities), and on top of that have lingering medical bills because of a stupid incident a couple months back. Supposedly it was a seizure and when they did tests on my heart and brain, they found nothing to indicate what caused it, therefore just labelled it as a one time seizure. Yeah. All the few tests they did? Practically around 8k worth there, and unfortunately insurance didn't think to cover that. Kind enough to cover some yes, but leaving me with that amount?

Its just stress. I tell myself that I'm stressing over everything, and what with Xmas being around the corner... everyone who's read the journal knows I lost my cousin last year, two days before Xmas. So there's that to deal with as well. At this rate video games aren't cutting it for me, and I've not felt anywhere near motivated to write as I should. But I NEED to do something. Literally I'm driving myself batshit crazy by just moping around, brooding on everything like it's going to solve itself. Yet I can't because I'm too much of a prideful ass to reach out and really share that all this has been bothering me.

That's the gist of it though; as long and thorough as it was. Anxiety is known to amplify and make things like this feel worse, which is why I often fell into depression back home because of how sad my standard of living felt at the time. I feel like my point has been made well enough though, and writing this has helped a little by now; although I still feel pretty heavy about it all. It's mentally, socially, emotionally, and even spiritually exhausting to be honest, but as of now I feel the need to say that I deeply appreciate everyone here. Surprisingly I've come to accept so many of you have been receptive, supportive, and even encouraging towards me; it's the best I've come to felt in a long time before I fell into this state of mind. With the way things are now I know they're going to work out, steps have been taken to solve some of these problems.

The truth behind the reality is that life does suck, but it does have moments that doesn't suck so bad. And on that note, I'm gonna trail off here.

Cheers.

[Patrick]

Woo, five am and here I am wanting to rant some more finally. Actually I'd been meaning to get on with this earlier in the week, but with the way things have been quiet due to holidays and fellow writers being occupied; I just never really felt the urgent need to get a jump on this. Anyways here's to another fun rant to share for everyone!

So I went ahead and splurged on myself as it's been months since I'd done so; due to facts pertaining to a certain someone within the household... I'm trying to refrain from the negativity stuff for once since I do rant a lot about that shit here. Last time I pretty much left off on a somber note; even though I started to feel a lot better afterwards I still needed a few more days to finally overcome what bothered me. Things aren't changing yet and while they aren't great, they're livable for now which is what I need until the holidays and winter are over.

So back to the splurge; I went ahead and bought myself a PlayStation 4, mainly because I intend to get the latest of the Kingdom Hearts franchise when it releases next year. I've been a die hard fan of the story and while I've not fully played every game, I'd done my share of keeping up with the events pertaining to them so I don't miss out on the story altogether. Needless to say I'm quite excited for the next in line as it's the Fragmentary Passage, 2.8 with the 0.2 Birth by Sleep follow-up. Definitely gonna highlight the coming tribute of Kingdom Hearts 3, which has been the game everyone has been looking forward too! Anyways PS4! Bought it for a song considering the average retail price, along with the game Uncharted 4, and boy did I enjoy that game.

Shortly after I got home I bought No Man's Sky for it and went ahead with playing Uncharted 4 while it downloaded. Never tried the Uncharted series even though I heard awesome things about them, and boy after starting it I found the experience all the more amazing and enjoyable. Really felt bad for doing so because I missed out on the first three already, but all the same the company Naughty Dog has done well. Always loved their Jak and Daxter and Ratchet and Clank franchise, so the expectations for their Uncharted were definitely surpassed when I played the fourth.

Needless to say I've allowed my time to be consumed by this as I've waited for the holidays to pass by, since its around that time of the year everyone is likely busy and needs a break or so. Not me oddly enough; I merely work and then come home hopeful to write something. Really its because I don't get out when I probably should, lack of friends outside the internet has always been my specialty though. Anyways! The time I've spent playing games here lately hasn't gone to waste entirely... not completely to some degree. I've thought more along the lines of character growth and while I've not quite figured out future plans for Patrick, I realized that there's one aspect of his character I've only slightly remained true to.

Patrick himself is a guy who's all caught up in himself; while he has tendencies to be good he is ultimately still selfish, meaning at the end of the road he has to get something out of it. I haven't really paid much thought to the aspect of "the end" though as I've only enjoyed the moments he's been having over the course of his story, which has been enlightening so far but very limiting in terms of what he's got planned or accomplished along the way. So it stands to reason that I need to quit relying on the fun he's having at any particular current moment, and focus on the long term results he's aiming for to better write out his character. It's actually an interesting role for me to think about as well, as writing someone who's selfish obviously isn't my strong suit. I've always been one who gives rather than takes for himself, and if that isn't plain in my writing, then surely it's plain in how I interact with everyone here.

Aside from that though I won't allow it to get in the way of fleshing out his character any better, deep down I know he's gonna be a very fun and interesting guy. Although he's already proven interesting in his own way in such a short time, the long run is what ultimately counts when you go all in or nothing. So apologies in advance to any characters he decides to screw over later, know that while he isn't going to play fair after this season I will always be the one who does!

Besides that though I've had to deal with sinuses the past several days, first a sore throat and now drainage issues of course. Ugh! T'is the season after all... The only bright side of this though is that between all the coughing and hacking up nasty shit, I have a very deeper and gruff voice that makes me sound sexier when I talk. No... No I'm not gonna record a video, because that would ruin the imagination you lot have and I wouldn't dare accomplish such a thing. *wink*

So yeah. Things are good right now and while my sleeping habits are completely out of wack; along with the fact my lungs making me appear to have a lesser form of smoker's cough, I'm getting into the habit of branching out character and plot wise. Ultimately a few of you will see or know a couple other characters written by me; characters that while I have not yet written are currently working on. Again I refuse to indulge in any further detail, although it's pretty easy to determine the one I've currently been working on. The new one I've spent time thinking about is another work in progress, something I'm plotting out diligently just as I am with the second. So to those who know of these two projects I'm putting together, sorry I'm taking my sweet ass time but when it comes to character creation; I'm as slow as they come because I manually spend days thinking out concepts to match the character.

I mean look at Patrick for example... so yeah.

The end, cheers!

[Patrick]

Wow, I hadn't posted here in almost a month? Jeez I've been a royal bore!

Okay so the past week was nothing but work, nine days to be exact because we had two people leave work. Overall that was sorta not fun, though the hours definitely will look good come next paycheck. Damn if this weekend hasn't been a mental/emotional trifle for me though, mainly because I've fallen into a anxious state of mind from RL and (unfortunately) ran out of my medication four days ago. Normally I can go two to days without medication and by the third I feel the withdrawal effects, which to be clear entail that drunken feeling where your head is swimming or spinning. You'd think it cool but honestly it drives me crazy, since focus and train of thought are literally thrown off by it.

Recently though I've made some new friends (Awesome, right?!) thanks to somebody I happened to meet over a week ago, and lo and behold I find myself actually liking that friend because of how nice they're being to me. Normally I don't sweat shit like this at first, but continuing this eventually does effect me to the point where I wonder and think about things. That's precisely what's happened and of course my anxiety has been off the charts all weekend, with me wanting to fret over every preconceived notion that I need to be the best friend.

Okay I think that requires better explanation; for me friends are only easy to make when its online or long distance because they're physically distant, but still accessible enough for me to enjoy their company with. Much like many of you here on the site! Friends in my actual personal life? None. Been burned one time too many to give fucks for them, so when somebody who is actually someone friendship material comes along, I try and allow myself to personally open up to them. I'm always reserved and quiet when it comes to personal things, mainly because of social anxiety and bullying that started back in elementary school.

So naturally if I feel like I can trust someone, open up and let them know personal things about me, then eventually I feel like I can begin to trust. That trust turns me into a zealously loyal and overbearing friend that'll do whatever I can to make a person happy, which in truth can be good and bad in a multitude of ways. Throw in the anxiety and I become a highly paranoid and maybe even clingy individual, in that order in fact because friendships on that level ultimately intimidate me. That's exactly what's happened over the weekend to in fact. I've spent the last three days feeling lost and down in self confidence, unsure as to how I should feel, think, or even act towards this matter.

Ultimately I've been in a wild state of mind because I literally have been wanting to be this great friend to someone, whose been nothing but nice to me which has intimidated me, and therefore lost in nothing but complicated feelings the whole time. It's been distracting and irritating nonetheless, all while I've physically been lounging around trying to keep from going crazy. For the past several hours I've been shaking like its freezing in here, and my room is well above average temp so I know it isn't cold. Other than dealing with emotional upheavals as well, likely the result of the fourth day, I've concluded that while I extremely HATE having medication, I really need to this one give up and refill.




SO. Anybody find it weird that we are in a sense like our characters? I meant to rant about this the other night, though been caught up in shit. Oddly enough the previous topic definitely is relative to this one, because in a sense I'm a lot like my own character. In retrospect anytime I make a character I usually try to differ from my self, even so I later find that their quirks are somehow a little similar to my own. It's a natural thing that everybody tends to do, or so I would like to think anyways. So what exactly makes Patrick and I alike? Mainly the fact we're both free spirited and yearn for companionship. Yep. That's definitely what makes us a lot alike, because Patrick deep down wants to find somebody he can deeply trust and keep within arm's reach.

Not so bad of a goal no? Apply that to actual life with the challenges that are involved, where other factors (which I'm pretty sure are clear for me) producing obstacles which create limits I'd rather not face. For Patrick its easier because I can think about what he'd do, what he would think and not have to worry about consequence. In reality you have to actually consider the consequences, and even then the outcome can and most likely backfires on you. I guess that's one reason why writing is easier for me, aside from the fact I enjoy it thoroughly, the escapism it provides with little or no consequence makes dealing with life a little easier.

I feel like I've totally lost the originality of this subject, so I'm cutting myself off here and saving it for later. Cheers.

[Patrick]

OKAY! SO! Things have been cray cray in the real way. (Poetry slam)

In light of recent events things have gone from suckville to awesomesauce lately, I've met somebody who not only became a fast friend but an actual partner in crime with me... Without the crime. In all honesty of course we're having fun and taking things as they come together, and so far its been a vividly wonderful experience thus far. As for how that's affected my activity here?...

Weeeeeeell I would assume that's obvious of course, me being distracted because I do that for one. Well there's also the fact work has had odd schedules off and on, but let's just say a whole boatload of things are changing in a good way. Ominous actually; I'm used to either remaining stagnate or embracing the crippling reality that remains of my social graces. Oh wait that still exists. o.o Pff! Long overdo for an update actually, things have been gradually improving which has actually bettered my attitude in life.

Now in terms of replies and posts I owe, both as Patrick as well as Chronicle, they're going to be done later today. Yes: Today honey! Day off with some much needed downtime to get back onto the things I need to get done! Appreciate the lot of you being patient (if not busy/distracted elsewhere) to ignore my declined activity. Just kidding; I'm severely depressed you lot said nothing to me! No bugging for threads or posts or nothing! How does one feel the love here anymore!!

Joking aside though things are good and I really do appreciate everyone waiting on my happy ass. Will have the lot of things done later today.

Cheers!

[Patrick]

OKAY! Que first appearance post in... how long?


Anyways first off my inactivity as of late has been due to reasons I won't fully detail, as they are really not my own problems that I've been dealing with, but at the same time have had to deal with them because of who it involves. >.> So to avoid beating around the bush, yes I do apologize to everyone who's been patiently waiting for me. I've done a lot of self kicking in the ass over it, mentally, this past week knowing I need to get back on here soon. Long story short something's gone to hell as usual and I've had to actually get up a do shit, physically, therefore had a shortage of time or even motivation in the time I did have. Pure lazy and proudly capable of accepting that!

Overall though progress has been good thus far, things have transitioned and while I might lack less free time; I certainly am getting the hang of dedicated such limited free time to things I really want to do. Writing wise of course has been lower on the priority list, regardless of that I miss everyone here and still want to resume the shenanigans I had planned before. So without further ado I'm putting a set list of things to handle tomorrow, and hopefully now that I've got no means of being interrupted; I can literally stop the locomotion I've maintained and sit down to focus on writing.

So the following's to get tackled ASAP when I kick start my dormant writing gear;

1. Moderation: Including replies and reviews among other things
2. Thread Replies: Yes these are second, why? Because people (though only a few) are waiting still.
3. CS Updates: More threads have been reviewed, need to add these points like before.
4. Point Bank: Seriously behind on this shit, should slap myself for it.
5. Plotnotes: Finished the damned rough draft for the location I'm working on.
6. Vlog: Last on the list because at the end of the day, I should have the majority of the previous covered. And people are waiting for answers. >.>

So yep. That's a basic outline of how I'm approaching tomorrow's activity, and I'll naturally be online and in skype the majority of the day. So my fellow peers can find me there if they just want to chat, catch up, or whatever suits your fancy by then. Good night fellow writers!

[Patrick]

There exists an enigma for us all in which we live in, one that remains absolute within the confines of my head. There resides a boundary with two coherent sides, a place of black and white or dark and light if you will.

I struggle to remain within the middle of these two, because I struggle with constraints they grimly hold. Either poetically or metaphorically speaking, I'm blathering about the concepts of reality in my own head. I perceive one side that settles for less, never having to worry about struggling too much, or even suffering too much difficulty in life. Though this side isn't one taken in stride as expectations are minimum, and therefore the things that lack substitution leave one in a state of yearning for things that remain missing.

While the other side is a more constant state where the things missing are there, available for whenever needs are priority come the time. Even so the demand to maintain privilege for these beneficiaries comes at a price; less time, less availability, less of ones self even. Which brings the argument in my head over this constant struggle.

Is it really worth all this effort, all this struggle just to be able to live in a bright and happy reality; within a zone so comfortable yet so difficult to rest for comfort in? Or is it simply easiest to get away with bare minimum, and in turn live with the standards associated with it. The word 'bare' is enough to describe this state, which is why its perhaps the darker side of this tangible perception. Reality. A constant problem I want to escape, and yet also a promising dream I never want to wake up from.

I've been told what I should do, and what I'm also 'allowed' to do. That still doesn't change the way I handle things, instead I dangle between the two and drift on. I want more but the bright side is too blinding with demands, thus I tolerate the instance of the minimums only to struggle with wanting more. I expect little and when effort finally comes out, it goes with little or no regard or reward even and I just cave in.



A lot has been on the mind lately and I really should catch some of you up with it, but right now I just need a couple of days to figure things out and get my head straight.

[Patrick]

So I felt it was time I post another 'something' here as its been a while, and right now have this strong feeling I want to share anyways so why not. Overall things have been quiet lately, I was briefly dating but we agreed to mutually remain friends due to differences. Ever since April I've been without a job because the workplace is getting a complete tear down and build up, and come September I've my position still secure for when its time to come back.

So what have I been doing? Why is it I don't seem to write or share much? Currently its because half the time I still feel numb inside. I'm not sure if I made it clear or not before, but I'm a person who finds reality difficult all the time. It sucks coping with it because to me, things could always be better no matter where I am in life. Yes its a piss poor way to think, and granted I've been in a few bad spots already, I probably should change that at some point in my life. But its the truth. I hate reality and because of that, I feel no inclination to change it or even attempt making it better. So for the past few months I've used the only method that's easy, and helps make the coping a lot easier than anything else. Video games. As bad as some people claim it is to play games all the time, I will gladly object and clarify that because of video games; I am very much still standing and for the most part a little sane these days.

Still that's not what's important here. What's important is the fact I'm tired of the same bs, the same idea that reality sucks no matter what you do. Music helps in regards to the expression of the mind and heart, and lately I've been feeling very strongly about a particular song. Of course I've got the video here and a link in case anyone can't view it, with lyrics down below as they're also important for understanding the song.

► Show Spoiler

I'm always screaming my lungs out 'til my head starts spinning
Playing my songs is the way I cope with life
Won't keep my voice down
Know the words I speak are the thoughts I think out loud
I like to keep things honest
I'm a safe bet like your life's staked on it, for real
I'd hate to keep you all wondering
I'm constant like the seasons, I will never be forgotten man
Let's leave no words unspoken
And save regrets for the broken
Will you even look back when you think of me?
All I want is a place to call my own
To mend the hearts of everyone who feels alone
Whoa, you know to keep your hopes up high
And your head down low
Keep your hopes up high and your head down low
Still got something left to prove
It tends to keep things movin' while everyone around me says
My last days are looming overhead
But just what the hell do they think they know?
I keep my head above the water
While they drown in the undertow
Let's leave no words unspoken and save regrets for the broken
Will you even look back when you think of me?
All I want is a place to call my own
To mend the hearts of everyone who feels alone
Whoa, you know to keep your hopes up high
And your head down low
All I want is a place to call my own
To mend the hearts of everyone who feels alone
Whoa, you know to keep your hopes up high
And your head down low
If you take it from me, live your life for yourself
'Cause when it's all said and done, you don't need anyone else
C'mon!
So let's get back to when everything seemed perfect
Not a worry in the world, tell me was this all worth it?
I get what I want so everyone's always judging me
I'm not afraid of anything, I've got the whole world in front of me
All I want is a place to call my own
To mend the hearts of everyone who feels alone
Whoa, you know to keep your hopes up high
And your head down low
All I want is a place to call my own
To mend the hearts of everyone who feels alone
Whoa, you know to keep your hopes up high
And your head down low
Keep your heads down low
Keep your heads down low
Keep your hopes up high
And your heads down low