30 Ashan 700
"Excuse me, sir?"
"No, I don't what whatever it is you're selling."
"Please wait just a moment sir, just a moment."
"Did you not hear me clearly the first time?'
"My ears, sir, they've always been a bit stuffy."
"Then I'll repeat my-"
"You seem, sir, like the sort of man who likes to get things done."
"...well, yes, that's true."
"Like the sort of man whose constant and consistent efforts are always being passed over in favor of people far, far less deserving."
"It's... it's like they don't even realize how much I do for them day in and day out."
"And they won't, sir, if you don't do something about it."
"Well... what would you suggest?"
"I have here, sir, a snoffum."
"A snoffum?"
"Yes, sir. A snoffum."
"And what, may I ask, is a 'snoffum'?"
"A snoffum, sir, is exactly what you need."
"And what is that?"
"Confidence, sir. Confidence and a very heavy-handed helping of luck."
"You're saying you're selling... luck?"
"No, sir. I'm offering you an opportunity to procure a snoffum."
"Procure?"
"Something like a snoffum isn't simply... 'sold', sir. It's much more complicated than that."
"I see."
"And much too valuable."
"Then... I ask again, what is a snoffum?"
"Have you ever eaten a flank steak, sir?"
"I have not."
"Well, sir, it's nothing like a flank steak."
"...may I see this 'snoffum'?"
"I have it right here, sir. Please take your time to appreciate its ridges."
"My. Well. It does have nice ridges."
"People tend to say it reminds them of a banana, sir."
"A banana? It looks nothing like a banana."
"I agree, sir. I'm not sure why they say it, but they do, sir."
"This bit here..."
"Yes?"
"Is this a fastening? Can you... open it?"
"It's not a fastening, sir. It just looks like a fastening."
"And why would a snoffum need a fastening that isn't a fastening?"
"To accentuate the curves, sir."
"Oh. Yes. It does do that quite nicely now that I'm looking at it."
"Now, sir, if you'd be so kind as to put your hand into here..."
"Oh!"
"Sir?"
"It's... it's fleshier than I expected."
"Have you ever been subsumed by a gelatinous life-form that slowly drains the essence of your being through the pores of your skin before, sir?"
"I have not."
"Well, this is nothing like that, sir; no need for alarm."
"I wasn't alarmed until you said all of... that."
"Is that so, sir? My sincerest apologies."
"What's- what's that?"
"The shock, sir?"
"Yes. Why in the world did it- Oh! There it is again!"
"To be honest, sir, it's not a shock at all."
"Then why did you call it a- oh! Oh!"
"That would be the hamster, sir."
"I-It's licking me!"
"All part of the process, sir."
"You never said anything about there being a hamster in your snoffum!"
"I assumed you saw it before you tried it on, sir."
"I was distracted by the - ah! AH! By the ridges."
"They are distracting, sir. That seems to be one of the few complaints I hear about this model's design."
"And the other- ooh. Oooooh. Ooooooooh!"
"The other...? My apologies, sir. I'm not certain I quite caught that last bit."
"It's... it's doing something else now."
"The snoffum? It shouldn't be-"
"No, no! The damned hamster!"
"Can you describe it, sir? I'm having a difficult time with these calibrations."
"It's... have you ever been skydiving?"
"No, sir, I have not."
"Well, it's nothing like skydiving."
"That doesn't give me a lot to go on, sir."
"Something just tore."
"Tore, sir?"
"Inside my- Ah!"
"Sir?"
"It just ran past my- Oh god!"
"Sir? Sir?"
"I-I can feel it in my- no! No, stop! It's got one of my- oh! OH!"
"Ah, I've found the problem, sir. You've been stimulating the snoffum's raunchtwart."
"I been stimulating the what?"
"Nothing to worry about, sir. It's perfectly understandable, if not a bit on the unusual side. Most people tend to avoid the raunchtwart, sir."
"I-"
"You really shouldn't be speaking right now, sir. It's just going to aggravate it."
"A-aggravate it?"
"The hamster, sir."
"O-oh god... it's back... I-I can't... I..."
"Sir, it's very important that you remain calm right now. I"m going to be rerouting the flow of the snoffum's ovulorilingual juices into a reserve reservoir. It's a very delicate process, sir, which I'm sure you're well aware of, but I am going to need to ask you to remain very, very sti-"
"Ah! It's in my fucking-"
"Sir, please try to remain calm-"
"I am not calm!"
"Yes, I can see that, sir, but if you'd just-"
"Oh god oh god oh god oh-"
"Sir, I think this may sting a little, but time is of the essence in this sort of situation and certain safety precautions may sometimes need to be-
"Just do it!"
"And... three, two, one..."
"F-F-F-Fahck!"
"Oh my, wrong lever. My apologies, sir. All fixed."
"I..."
"Mm. Much better, sir. The snoffum is now properly calibrated and running according to your personal systems, sir."
"I..."
"You should be feeling a state of euphoria right about... now?"
"I feel wonderful!"
"Very good, sir. That would be the ovulorilingual juices that are now uniformly spreading throughout your body via your uthereal tube."
"Pardon?"
"Your uthereal tube, sir. The... erm... the dangly bits on the side of the snoffum here."
"Ah, yes. The dangly bits."
"Are you feeling any discomfort anywhere, sir?"
"My lower back itches."
"That would be the hamster, sir."
"It's all the way up there?"
"No, sir. It's a tactile hallucination induced by the spewitz, sir."
"The spewitz?"
"Yes, sir. The grape flavored mucus you swallowed earlier."
"Is that... harmful?"
"Oh, no, sir. Certainly not, sir. Nothing about the snoffum is harmful."
"But earlier you shocked-"
"You weren't standing still, sir. Not even the snoffum can account for user error."
"So this... spunkeez?"
"Spunkeez, sir?"
"The... the grape-"
"Ah. The spewitz?"
"The spewitz."
"What about the spewitz, sir?"
"It's not harmful?"
"No, sir."
"Ah. Good."
"As long as you swallowed all of it, sir."
"...all of it?"
"Yes, sir. All of it."
"...can you define... all of it?"
"I... I don't believe I understand the question, sir."
"Have you ever felt so sick you spent the entire night curled up on a tiled floor wrapped around a bucket?"
"When I feel sick I usually visit the local bathhouse for an enema, sir."
"Ah, well... it's nothing like either of those things."
"Then what is it like, sir?"
"There's some stuck on my chin."
"Some of what, sir?"
"Some of the jizzshit."
"The jisszhit, sir?"
"Th-the grape-"
"Ah, the spewitz, sir?"
"Yes, yes, the spewitz."
"If you'd like, sir, I can adjust the snoffum's whirlyclurge to help masturbrade your memory. It seems like you're having difficulty recalling names, sir."
"I need you to focus on the spew... spewitz."
"Very good, sir."
"There's some stuck on my chin."
"Some of the... the spewitz, sir?"
"Y-yes."
"Oh dear."
"Oh dear?"
"Can you reach it with your tongue, sir?"
"Maybe... I... N-no. No, I can't reach it."
"...how... how does your stomach feel, sir?"
"Why. Should I be feeling something in my stomach?"
"Well..."
"Should I not be feeling something in my stomach?"
"Have you ever swallowed several tablets of dehydrated bread yeast, sir?"
"No...?"
"Hm."
"Hm?"
"Well, sir, it's just that..."
"Just what?"
"Well, sir, in this particular case..."
"Yes?"
"In this particular case, sir, it's nothing like that."
"Then the bubbling sensation I'm feeling right now is normal?"
"Oh no. That's very, very abnormal, I'm afraid, sir."
"How - erp - abnormal is it?"
"Well, sir, on a scale from one to ten, sir..."
"Yes?"
"It's never actually been evaluated using that method before, sir, so... how would you rate the current abnormality of your situation?"
"If I - herp - rate it with a lower - erp - number, will it make things - bwarp - better?"
"I'm going to be honest with you right now, sir."
"That would - oohp - be very appreciated."
"Your digestive system is currently being violently re-purposed, sir."
"W-what?"
"If you don't swallow all of the spewitz, sir, your body is unable to build up a proper immunity to it."
"T-to the sp - purb - spewitz?"
"That is correct, sir."
"Why w-would I-"
"Well, you see, sir, the snoffum can only correctly interact with a human body in one of two ways. The first being a properly spewitz immunized system. The second being..."
"Being?"
"Well, I'm not exactly certain, sir. No one has ever not swallowed all of the spewitz, sir."
"W-what's ha-happening to-"
"Oh my."
"Oh god!"
"Sir, I think if you just remain calm..."
"Oh god!"
"Well. That was unexpected."
"Excuse me?"
"Yes, miss, how can I help you?"
"Is that a snoffum?"
"It most certainly is, miss."
"I'd like four, please."
"Very good, miss."
"Excuse me, sir?"
"No, I don't what whatever it is you're selling."
"Please wait just a moment sir, just a moment."
"Did you not hear me clearly the first time?'
"My ears, sir, they've always been a bit stuffy."
"Then I'll repeat my-"
"You seem, sir, like the sort of man who likes to get things done."
"...well, yes, that's true."
"Like the sort of man whose constant and consistent efforts are always being passed over in favor of people far, far less deserving."
"It's... it's like they don't even realize how much I do for them day in and day out."
"And they won't, sir, if you don't do something about it."
"Well... what would you suggest?"
"I have here, sir, a snoffum."
"A snoffum?"
"Yes, sir. A snoffum."
"And what, may I ask, is a 'snoffum'?"
"A snoffum, sir, is exactly what you need."
"And what is that?"
"Confidence, sir. Confidence and a very heavy-handed helping of luck."
"You're saying you're selling... luck?"
"No, sir. I'm offering you an opportunity to procure a snoffum."
"Procure?"
"Something like a snoffum isn't simply... 'sold', sir. It's much more complicated than that."
"I see."
"And much too valuable."
"Then... I ask again, what is a snoffum?"
"Have you ever eaten a flank steak, sir?"
"I have not."
"Well, sir, it's nothing like a flank steak."
"...may I see this 'snoffum'?"
"I have it right here, sir. Please take your time to appreciate its ridges."
"My. Well. It does have nice ridges."
"People tend to say it reminds them of a banana, sir."
"A banana? It looks nothing like a banana."
"I agree, sir. I'm not sure why they say it, but they do, sir."
"This bit here..."
"Yes?"
"Is this a fastening? Can you... open it?"
"It's not a fastening, sir. It just looks like a fastening."
"And why would a snoffum need a fastening that isn't a fastening?"
"To accentuate the curves, sir."
"Oh. Yes. It does do that quite nicely now that I'm looking at it."
"Now, sir, if you'd be so kind as to put your hand into here..."
"Oh!"
"Sir?"
"It's... it's fleshier than I expected."
"Have you ever been subsumed by a gelatinous life-form that slowly drains the essence of your being through the pores of your skin before, sir?"
"I have not."
"Well, this is nothing like that, sir; no need for alarm."
"I wasn't alarmed until you said all of... that."
"Is that so, sir? My sincerest apologies."
"What's- what's that?"
"The shock, sir?"
"Yes. Why in the world did it- Oh! There it is again!"
"To be honest, sir, it's not a shock at all."
"Then why did you call it a- oh! Oh!"
"That would be the hamster, sir."
"I-It's licking me!"
"All part of the process, sir."
"You never said anything about there being a hamster in your snoffum!"
"I assumed you saw it before you tried it on, sir."
"I was distracted by the - ah! AH! By the ridges."
"They are distracting, sir. That seems to be one of the few complaints I hear about this model's design."
"And the other- ooh. Oooooh. Ooooooooh!"
"The other...? My apologies, sir. I'm not certain I quite caught that last bit."
"It's... it's doing something else now."
"The snoffum? It shouldn't be-"
"No, no! The damned hamster!"
"Can you describe it, sir? I'm having a difficult time with these calibrations."
"It's... have you ever been skydiving?"
"No, sir, I have not."
"Well, it's nothing like skydiving."
"That doesn't give me a lot to go on, sir."
"Something just tore."
"Tore, sir?"
"Inside my- Ah!"
"Sir?"
"It just ran past my- Oh god!"
"Sir? Sir?"
"I-I can feel it in my- no! No, stop! It's got one of my- oh! OH!"
"Ah, I've found the problem, sir. You've been stimulating the snoffum's raunchtwart."
"I been stimulating the what?"
"Nothing to worry about, sir. It's perfectly understandable, if not a bit on the unusual side. Most people tend to avoid the raunchtwart, sir."
"I-"
"You really shouldn't be speaking right now, sir. It's just going to aggravate it."
"A-aggravate it?"
"The hamster, sir."
"O-oh god... it's back... I-I can't... I..."
"Sir, it's very important that you remain calm right now. I"m going to be rerouting the flow of the snoffum's ovulorilingual juices into a reserve reservoir. It's a very delicate process, sir, which I'm sure you're well aware of, but I am going to need to ask you to remain very, very sti-"
"Ah! It's in my fucking-"
"Sir, please try to remain calm-"
"I am not calm!"
"Yes, I can see that, sir, but if you'd just-"
"Oh god oh god oh god oh-"
"Sir, I think this may sting a little, but time is of the essence in this sort of situation and certain safety precautions may sometimes need to be-
"Just do it!"
"And... three, two, one..."
"F-F-F-Fahck!"
"Oh my, wrong lever. My apologies, sir. All fixed."
"I..."
"Mm. Much better, sir. The snoffum is now properly calibrated and running according to your personal systems, sir."
"I..."
"You should be feeling a state of euphoria right about... now?"
"I feel wonderful!"
"Very good, sir. That would be the ovulorilingual juices that are now uniformly spreading throughout your body via your uthereal tube."
"Pardon?"
"Your uthereal tube, sir. The... erm... the dangly bits on the side of the snoffum here."
"Ah, yes. The dangly bits."
"Are you feeling any discomfort anywhere, sir?"
"My lower back itches."
"That would be the hamster, sir."
"It's all the way up there?"
"No, sir. It's a tactile hallucination induced by the spewitz, sir."
"The spewitz?"
"Yes, sir. The grape flavored mucus you swallowed earlier."
"Is that... harmful?"
"Oh, no, sir. Certainly not, sir. Nothing about the snoffum is harmful."
"But earlier you shocked-"
"You weren't standing still, sir. Not even the snoffum can account for user error."
"So this... spunkeez?"
"Spunkeez, sir?"
"The... the grape-"
"Ah. The spewitz?"
"The spewitz."
"What about the spewitz, sir?"
"It's not harmful?"
"No, sir."
"Ah. Good."
"As long as you swallowed all of it, sir."
"...all of it?"
"Yes, sir. All of it."
"...can you define... all of it?"
"I... I don't believe I understand the question, sir."
"Have you ever felt so sick you spent the entire night curled up on a tiled floor wrapped around a bucket?"
"When I feel sick I usually visit the local bathhouse for an enema, sir."
"Ah, well... it's nothing like either of those things."
"Then what is it like, sir?"
"There's some stuck on my chin."
"Some of what, sir?"
"Some of the jizzshit."
"The jisszhit, sir?"
"Th-the grape-"
"Ah, the spewitz, sir?"
"Yes, yes, the spewitz."
"If you'd like, sir, I can adjust the snoffum's whirlyclurge to help masturbrade your memory. It seems like you're having difficulty recalling names, sir."
"I need you to focus on the spew... spewitz."
"Very good, sir."
"There's some stuck on my chin."
"Some of the... the spewitz, sir?"
"Y-yes."
"Oh dear."
"Oh dear?"
"Can you reach it with your tongue, sir?"
"Maybe... I... N-no. No, I can't reach it."
"...how... how does your stomach feel, sir?"
"Why. Should I be feeling something in my stomach?"
"Well..."
"Should I not be feeling something in my stomach?"
"Have you ever swallowed several tablets of dehydrated bread yeast, sir?"
"No...?"
"Hm."
"Hm?"
"Well, sir, it's just that..."
"Just what?"
"Well, sir, in this particular case..."
"Yes?"
"In this particular case, sir, it's nothing like that."
"Then the bubbling sensation I'm feeling right now is normal?"
"Oh no. That's very, very abnormal, I'm afraid, sir."
"How - erp - abnormal is it?"
"Well, sir, on a scale from one to ten, sir..."
"Yes?"
"It's never actually been evaluated using that method before, sir, so... how would you rate the current abnormality of your situation?"
"If I - herp - rate it with a lower - erp - number, will it make things - bwarp - better?"
"I'm going to be honest with you right now, sir."
"That would - oohp - be very appreciated."
"Your digestive system is currently being violently re-purposed, sir."
"W-what?"
"If you don't swallow all of the spewitz, sir, your body is unable to build up a proper immunity to it."
"T-to the sp - purb - spewitz?"
"That is correct, sir."
"Why w-would I-"
"Well, you see, sir, the snoffum can only correctly interact with a human body in one of two ways. The first being a properly spewitz immunized system. The second being..."
"Being?"
"Well, I'm not exactly certain, sir. No one has ever not swallowed all of the spewitz, sir."
"W-what's ha-happening to-"
"Oh my."
"Oh god!"
"Sir, I think if you just remain calm..."
"Oh god!"
"Well. That was unexpected."
"Excuse me?"
"Yes, miss, how can I help you?"
"Is that a snoffum?"
"It most certainly is, miss."
"I'd like four, please."
"Very good, miss."
