31 Ashan 700
"This is what is known in the common tongue of the peoples of Quacia as a 'bear'. As you can see, the 'bear' has four legs, probably, and what seems to be either a head and a tail or two heads with one head being very, very small and lacking any sort of features that would otherwise indicate it is, in fact, a head. It is covered in hair which is reportedly called 'fur' and may be related to the word 'furnace' as 'fur', when activated, will heat the 'bear', keeping it safe from inclement weather.
"This 'fur' can also be harvested and subsumed into everyday clothing. According to market research, 'bear fur' contains high levels of mercury and should not be worn by people who have been diagnosed with allergies of any kind. For those fortunate enough to do so, it has been rumoured that 'bear fur' coats, while unable to be properly activated as can be found in nature, do have a higher resistance to chilly weather, specifically. There seems to be a form of photosynthesis that is involved during this process, but that is still being researched.
"A 'bear's' diet determines the quality of its 'fur', similar to how humans can affect the quality of both their leather and their meat by what they eat. Most 'bears' primarily feed upon the Videnese staple food "nachos". "Nachos" are characterized by their unnecessarily high levels of dairy by-products and salt shavings. Allegedly, Videnese people prefer mealed corn grain mixed with goat extract that is then spread thin, frozen, and subsequently fried in fatty oils for their 'nachos'' base layer. Thick layers of lactose secretions are then applied.
"It is not clear what nutritional value this particular dish holds for human consumption; however, 'bears' who consume 'nachos' at least six times per seven days have been reported to have noticeably higher quality coats of 'fur' and a greater fat-to-brain ratio than their 'nacho'-less counterparts. If 'nachos' cannot be obtained, for whatever reason, many 'bears' will instead attempt to consume any living thing within a radius of, roughly, thirty-seven and six-tenths meters. This is what is commonly known as the 'bad bear zone'. Anything outside of this radius can be considered safe with a margin of error that averages to around ninety-eight percent. Quite good odds when considering the often erratic and unpredictable nature of nature.
"They, 'bears', do not appear to enjoy consuming the flesh of the elderly nor do they seem to enjoy the splintering effect of bones from individuals with osteogenesis imperfecta, better known as 'my bones are very fragile disease'. Rest assured, while 'bears' clearly do not seek these individuals out when given other options, they are known for their inclusivity and will not refuse to consume someone because of their physical attributes. This phenomenon is known as 'affirmative action', and it is something that many companies, including our own, will be adopted in the near future - as a pretence only, of course. I am explaining this to you know, tangentially, because it is imperative you are able to correctly respond to questions about 'affirmative action' when asked. Providing the origin of the movement, 'bears', is also a very good way of controlling the flow of dialogue and shifting the subject onto something more manageable.
"Now, as I was saying, the 'bear' population is generally focused in northern Viden, specifically in the poppy fields just south of the Great Fissure. You can remember this fact using the handy rhyme:
"Which may come in handy during our annual retreat to the Ulthadrian "Happy Furry Fun Time" Spa and Bagnio, as 'bears' have been known to occasionally appear in the eastern expanses of the region. As long as you remember they shouldn't be there, you can take comfort in knowing that you're academically correct as they tear into your abdomen and remove your spine through your stomach. Concerningly, 'bears'' jaws possess a bite strength of sixteen million four hundred sixty thousand four Figs. This means that, if you accidentally dropped a granite boulder that is roughly the size of several ripe watermelons grown in Na'hear and harvest a day or two after harvest season, a 'bear' is able to just chomp right through it.
"For this reason, when in the wilds where there may or may not be 'bears', you should try to keep peanut butter on you at all times. This viscous paste is highly addictive to 'bears' and can be used to distract them so long as there are no 'nachos' within the vicinty. The 'Peanut Butter Diversion", or the "PeBuDi" for short, has proven to be effective in one and a quarter cases out of several thousand. It is also the only known way to distract a tunawa, as peanut butter seems to be a powerful hallucinogenic to them, inducing a hallucinogenic state in which they are irrationally obsessed with themselves. It should be noted that this state is not the case with 'bears'. They simply like the flavor.
"The average life span of a 'bear' ranges from four to thirteen, with most living around ninety in the western plains of Yaralon. In some cases, 'bears' may even manage to exist beyond the threshold of space-time, but those 'bears' tend to be more concerned with the fabric of reality rather than tearing your fabric in reality. Thanks to their natural longevity that, arguably, may even be considered immortality under very specific circumstances that have yet to be determined or discovered, 'bears' have no natural predators when it comes to the universe.
"It has been theorized that there does, in fact, exist a race of semi-sentient gourds who possess technologies that allow them to exist in small windows outside of the known universe and have been at war with the 'bears' since the great cataclysm of Rynmere during the year of the cataclysm. If these theories are to be believed, then these semi-sentient gourds may possess knowledge of the only irrefutable weaknesses of the 'bears'. If at any time you come into contact with one of these theoretical beings, you should immediately accost them and attempt to learn their secrets, as humanity may not get a second chance.
"This leads us into the reproductive cycle of 'bears'. Most 'bears' tend to attempt to procreate on evenly number days, as we lack a formal naming system for our days or even weeks and simply call everything by the number but rarely ever refer to it if we can. 'Bears' are similar in this sense, as they seem to understand which days are evenly numbered and which are oddly numbered. It is interesting to note that 'bears' cannot conceive a child on an oddly numbered day, but they can still produce semen. The average amount of semen produced by a 'bear' during its lifetime is quite a lot, while the average amount of children produces by a 'bear' during it's lifetime is usually quite small. Most 'bears' will only create, roughly, fourteen hundred offspring. In recent years, this number has dwindled from their far more impressive fourteen hundred seven offspring within a 'bear's' lifetime.
"Due to this profound difficulty in maintaining population levels, many 'bears' have become overly territorial and will fight each other to the death. This does not seem to serve any purpose, as 'bears' possess no gender and can mate with any other 'bear' or even themselves, should they choose to do so. 'Bears' that mate with themselves are colloquially known as 'lone wolves' and usually develop extreme personality disorders such as 'that 'bear' whose parents died and left it alone to fend for itself and become hardened and cruel but still sweet on the inside when it comes to the people it trusts" or 'that 'bear' that is the cultural opposite of everything about its racial and natural culture who just wants to be understood but feels like no one will ever be able to understand it' or even 'that 'bear' that is a cannibal sociopath who lives with an older bear that is not even its own mother and does everything that the older 'bear' says to do until a younger, angrier 'bear' comes along and takes the 'bear' into a magical dream world where it loses sense of time and returns to find that the older 'bear' has disspeared, might actually be dead, and has left the 'bear' with no sense of direction so it returns to the younger, angrier 'bear' and continues its travels with it'.
"Fortunately, 'bears' cannot cross lines of meat harvested from the offal of mer children. You will find several pounds of fresh mer-child-meat in your bags which are located beneath your seats. Please keep in mind that the meat must be placed in a straight line with a variance of three hundred sixty degrees to be effective enough to impede a 'bear's' advance. Enjoy your safari."
"This is what is known in the common tongue of the peoples of Quacia as a 'bear'. As you can see, the 'bear' has four legs, probably, and what seems to be either a head and a tail or two heads with one head being very, very small and lacking any sort of features that would otherwise indicate it is, in fact, a head. It is covered in hair which is reportedly called 'fur' and may be related to the word 'furnace' as 'fur', when activated, will heat the 'bear', keeping it safe from inclement weather.
"This 'fur' can also be harvested and subsumed into everyday clothing. According to market research, 'bear fur' contains high levels of mercury and should not be worn by people who have been diagnosed with allergies of any kind. For those fortunate enough to do so, it has been rumoured that 'bear fur' coats, while unable to be properly activated as can be found in nature, do have a higher resistance to chilly weather, specifically. There seems to be a form of photosynthesis that is involved during this process, but that is still being researched.
"A 'bear's' diet determines the quality of its 'fur', similar to how humans can affect the quality of both their leather and their meat by what they eat. Most 'bears' primarily feed upon the Videnese staple food "nachos". "Nachos" are characterized by their unnecessarily high levels of dairy by-products and salt shavings. Allegedly, Videnese people prefer mealed corn grain mixed with goat extract that is then spread thin, frozen, and subsequently fried in fatty oils for their 'nachos'' base layer. Thick layers of lactose secretions are then applied.
"It is not clear what nutritional value this particular dish holds for human consumption; however, 'bears' who consume 'nachos' at least six times per seven days have been reported to have noticeably higher quality coats of 'fur' and a greater fat-to-brain ratio than their 'nacho'-less counterparts. If 'nachos' cannot be obtained, for whatever reason, many 'bears' will instead attempt to consume any living thing within a radius of, roughly, thirty-seven and six-tenths meters. This is what is commonly known as the 'bad bear zone'. Anything outside of this radius can be considered safe with a margin of error that averages to around ninety-eight percent. Quite good odds when considering the often erratic and unpredictable nature of nature.
"They, 'bears', do not appear to enjoy consuming the flesh of the elderly nor do they seem to enjoy the splintering effect of bones from individuals with osteogenesis imperfecta, better known as 'my bones are very fragile disease'. Rest assured, while 'bears' clearly do not seek these individuals out when given other options, they are known for their inclusivity and will not refuse to consume someone because of their physical attributes. This phenomenon is known as 'affirmative action', and it is something that many companies, including our own, will be adopted in the near future - as a pretence only, of course. I am explaining this to you know, tangentially, because it is imperative you are able to correctly respond to questions about 'affirmative action' when asked. Providing the origin of the movement, 'bears', is also a very good way of controlling the flow of dialogue and shifting the subject onto something more manageable.
"Now, as I was saying, the 'bear' population is generally focused in northern Viden, specifically in the poppy fields just south of the Great Fissure. You can remember this fact using the handy rhyme:
"Where do all the bears live?
They live in northern Viden, specifically in the poppy fields just south of the Great Fissure. Live.
They live in northern Viden, specifically in the poppy fields just south of the Great Fissure. Live.
"Which may come in handy during our annual retreat to the Ulthadrian "Happy Furry Fun Time" Spa and Bagnio, as 'bears' have been known to occasionally appear in the eastern expanses of the region. As long as you remember they shouldn't be there, you can take comfort in knowing that you're academically correct as they tear into your abdomen and remove your spine through your stomach. Concerningly, 'bears'' jaws possess a bite strength of sixteen million four hundred sixty thousand four Figs. This means that, if you accidentally dropped a granite boulder that is roughly the size of several ripe watermelons grown in Na'hear and harvest a day or two after harvest season, a 'bear' is able to just chomp right through it.
"For this reason, when in the wilds where there may or may not be 'bears', you should try to keep peanut butter on you at all times. This viscous paste is highly addictive to 'bears' and can be used to distract them so long as there are no 'nachos' within the vicinty. The 'Peanut Butter Diversion", or the "PeBuDi" for short, has proven to be effective in one and a quarter cases out of several thousand. It is also the only known way to distract a tunawa, as peanut butter seems to be a powerful hallucinogenic to them, inducing a hallucinogenic state in which they are irrationally obsessed with themselves. It should be noted that this state is not the case with 'bears'. They simply like the flavor.
"The average life span of a 'bear' ranges from four to thirteen, with most living around ninety in the western plains of Yaralon. In some cases, 'bears' may even manage to exist beyond the threshold of space-time, but those 'bears' tend to be more concerned with the fabric of reality rather than tearing your fabric in reality. Thanks to their natural longevity that, arguably, may even be considered immortality under very specific circumstances that have yet to be determined or discovered, 'bears' have no natural predators when it comes to the universe.
"It has been theorized that there does, in fact, exist a race of semi-sentient gourds who possess technologies that allow them to exist in small windows outside of the known universe and have been at war with the 'bears' since the great cataclysm of Rynmere during the year of the cataclysm. If these theories are to be believed, then these semi-sentient gourds may possess knowledge of the only irrefutable weaknesses of the 'bears'. If at any time you come into contact with one of these theoretical beings, you should immediately accost them and attempt to learn their secrets, as humanity may not get a second chance.
"This leads us into the reproductive cycle of 'bears'. Most 'bears' tend to attempt to procreate on evenly number days, as we lack a formal naming system for our days or even weeks and simply call everything by the number but rarely ever refer to it if we can. 'Bears' are similar in this sense, as they seem to understand which days are evenly numbered and which are oddly numbered. It is interesting to note that 'bears' cannot conceive a child on an oddly numbered day, but they can still produce semen. The average amount of semen produced by a 'bear' during its lifetime is quite a lot, while the average amount of children produces by a 'bear' during it's lifetime is usually quite small. Most 'bears' will only create, roughly, fourteen hundred offspring. In recent years, this number has dwindled from their far more impressive fourteen hundred seven offspring within a 'bear's' lifetime.
"Due to this profound difficulty in maintaining population levels, many 'bears' have become overly territorial and will fight each other to the death. This does not seem to serve any purpose, as 'bears' possess no gender and can mate with any other 'bear' or even themselves, should they choose to do so. 'Bears' that mate with themselves are colloquially known as 'lone wolves' and usually develop extreme personality disorders such as 'that 'bear' whose parents died and left it alone to fend for itself and become hardened and cruel but still sweet on the inside when it comes to the people it trusts" or 'that 'bear' that is the cultural opposite of everything about its racial and natural culture who just wants to be understood but feels like no one will ever be able to understand it' or even 'that 'bear' that is a cannibal sociopath who lives with an older bear that is not even its own mother and does everything that the older 'bear' says to do until a younger, angrier 'bear' comes along and takes the 'bear' into a magical dream world where it loses sense of time and returns to find that the older 'bear' has disspeared, might actually be dead, and has left the 'bear' with no sense of direction so it returns to the younger, angrier 'bear' and continues its travels with it'.
"Fortunately, 'bears' cannot cross lines of meat harvested from the offal of mer children. You will find several pounds of fresh mer-child-meat in your bags which are located beneath your seats. Please keep in mind that the meat must be placed in a straight line with a variance of three hundred sixty degrees to be effective enough to impede a 'bear's' advance. Enjoy your safari."