"Though I lie here awake, I wonder just how are you
I sometimes wish that deep down, there could be a way that I just knew
Even so it doesn't seem to matter, as right now it feels you're just gone
Still I write on and on, try and play that subtle little song
But there's the voice within my head, that makes me feel worse instead
Right now it just feels that you've gone.
I lie here awake thinking back on it all, ever since then it'd been easy to fall
But the silence deafens the cries, and there's a part that begs for little lies
Though that's not real nor shouldn't be true, the only thing I ultimately cared about;
Just something I felt like jotting down. I used to be good at poetry or so I was told, been years since I even thought about trying it again. Rereading it sounds terrible to me, and I honestly don't know how I've managed to keep it up a third time. Yes. I deleted this thing twice because I thought it that terrible! Either way its good to reflect on personal things in life, and what with the holidays coming I guess I've a lot to reflect on.
It's not like me to openly share this kind of stuff and I once would've never considered it, but I made a promise to myself a couple of years ago that I'd change that. So here's the result of that change, written in full word I can only summarize as a story. Not many know who I am outside of the forum, those that have added me on Skype either know a little about me or where I actually came from. I've written on another site before this for... practically four years? I'd say that's accurate enough. My career on there had its ups and downs but the few friends I made there were worth it, except when the time came where everyone left because of drama and issues, I had other things going on at the time to hardly even worry what went on there.
First I had taken the big jump to move to Nebraska. It was a plan that had been put back by two months, but in doing so I'd prepared to change the worries and anxiety I'd lived with in my old life. Ever since then the entire trip up here has been one hell of a nightmare, a rollercoaster of hell that just led to one event right after another. First my sister and her boyfriend help us get our packed shit and load it up, and mind you we had a pickup full of boxes and personal things, along with a dolly that pulled my mother's car; again literally stuffed full of anything we wanted to take. All our furniture and stuff we had, everything left behind was given away or simply left behind. We were going to start over up here, make a new life for ourselves in the process. Surprisingly we get up here and things are getting settled, we had an apartment lined up that fell short of our plans... so we did the next best thing.
We stayed with a friend of my sister's and her boyfriend as they were good folk, provided us with a place to stay temporarily while we looked for a house. It wasn't easy at first but we were hanging in there, then drama and stupid shit went down that led to differences between my sister's boyfriend and the guy who provided the roof over our heads. In turn we were still able to stay there, but with the new arrangement in plans things just grew more stressful. At this point I had no phone, no personal internet, and no real way to communicate with any of my old friends. Nobody really knew what was going on in that time. Eventually the guy and his wife landed an opportunity to buy their own house, a chance they couldn't afford to waste really. So where did that leave us? Well granted we have two dogs we weren't willing to part with, as my dog is my baby and I won't part from him for nothing.
Only a month old when I first adopted him and that was last year in February, so he'll be two years again in just a few months! Anyways no landlords were willing to provide us a place to rent because they either had 'bad experiences' with previous pet owners, or they just didn't like the fact my sister's boyfriend (Husband now of course) had a criminal history. Either way we were running out of options and sure enough, even though I still maintained a well working job, we wound up being homeless and staying at hotels the first week of October last year. We did spend a night at a friend's place here and there, but overall we didn't want to overstay our welcomes anywhere. So eventually we wound up camping out... for the rest of October. The best AND worst experience I've ever had, because lemme tell you something; when you've no place to call home it sucks. Its more than stressful. It makes you want to breakdown and give up.
But we didn't. We stuck together and then finally when November hit, we landed chance for a place within driving distance of my job. Its still a good 15-20 minute drive but better than the alternative, granted Nov was getting real cold real fast. So thankfully we had a house to move into, and best part was that we got to keep our dogs with us. November draws to a close finally and with December around, things are supposedly starting to look up for us at this point. Its cold but we have a roof over our heads, nice hot showers, working electricity and all the necessities. Two days before Christmas hits something happened. It'd blindsided us like anything we'd never encountered, as we learned that one of my childhood cousin's committed suicide. Why? Why would somebody who's only pretty much a year younger than I choose to end his life so early? Maybe after everything he'd gone through, after all the choices and bullshit he had to deal with, he just finally couldn't find a better way to handle things in life.
He'd done plenty of stupid things, everybody makes bad decisions in their life. Nothing worth cutting his life short over however, but it just goes to show that you never truly know the gravity of another's situation when you're no longer there. Apparently he'd been depressed over the few months we left, and naturally drugs only facilitated bad shit as they always do. So what happened after he died? All that resentment I held in the bad choices he made was gone... just like him. I regretted it too, regretted that I resented what he did and what he chose to do. Still it was no excuse, and didn't change the fact he was gone. We spent the next couple of months dealing with the reality that my cousin, somebody who I'd had with me nearly my entire childhood, was no longer with us in this world. Fast forward to the next month.
February hits. This February. 2016 has been a year marked disaster as people have died, and of course the next person I'm about to bring thus up with... is my dad. Yep. Not even two months after I lose my cousin, I receive an urgent call from my grandmother on my father's side. She was devastated and crying, and when I finally answered her on the phone she'd given me the news. Naturally I had to go back home for this, even if it was brief I had to be there to do something. This case involved heart failure of a sort, apparently whatever it was hit him hard enough he just dropped without feeling a thing. So naturally I'm left to deal with the aftermath of his loss... and deal with my own regrets of never getting to chat with him. The entire time I'd been up here in Nebraska, I'd intended to get internet and a phone so I could personally speak with him. Then just like smoke, he was gone in an instant.
At that point I was devastated. It'd gotten so damn hard just to focus on the things I enjoyed doing, so naturally I just withdrew from everything and coped with it in my own way. Sadly though in my brief visit down there my grandparents... who I'd thought to be good people, genuine people that I could never think poorly of... Well they proved me wrong. My dad had property, six acres of land in the hills somewhere. Its practically wilderness but its beautiful to visit, and they wanted to buy it off of me; with
the medical bills and shit left behind pinned to my name. That kind of betrayal from your own kin? Your own blood? I suddenly remembered why I wanted to leave that damn place in the beginning, because no matter how many nice people you'd meet, everyone was always in it for themselves somehow.
Though I suppose that's the same everywhere you go. If you're still reading this and by now wondering if any of it is true, I can't possibly say anything more to prove that it is in fact true. For me its the reality I've lived ever since I came up here, and the only real evidence that I have to show is this here
. From that post on down you can see the time of events match up, and sure enough those who know this site now know who I was. That's all in the past though, I gave up that place and that character period when I grew tired of everything.
I stopped writing for practically three months, and did nothing but play video games just to cope with reality. Eventually I would write a little bit to my novel I'd been working on, six years I've spent on this damned thing and I still haven't even got the first book written! Anyways I eventually just got tired of writing alone, and so I decided to try and give roleplaying another shot somewhere. Truth be told it didn't work out in the beginning, the first place I'd gone to had just launched, so hardly anything in terms of plot and content had been thoroughly developed. But it had been with old friends, which was good for a while... although I felt oddly distanced from them while there. So I tried once more and remembered I signed on here, back in April when things went to shit and I had no better way of coping with the depression.
I had no idea what I wanted to do, no idea where I wanted to start here. It was a fresh clean slate that I wanted to keep, and for the while it proved a little intimidating because I didn't want anyone to know. Not just yet. Thing is when you spend a career being a 'veteran player' elsewhere you tend to know it comes with a reputation, fewer people want to thread because they're caught up in their own plans, and the 'newer' folk either don't stick around long enough or were just intimidated by the profile. So yes I kept it quiet at first, only one or two people sniffed me out quickly. Though I thank them for keeping it quiet, if word hadn't gotten out about who I was already. I remember I actually admitted it in chat once, what a relief it was to know that it didn't remain a dark secret of mine anymore.
So yeah. That was pretty much the whole story, odd how I went from poetry to an epic recap over the last year of my life. Guess that happens when you've got a lot on your mind though, and with the holidays around there's going to be plenty of time to think lots... I guess the whole point of this thread is that I'm trying to come clean, admit that I've my flaws and personal fears about things. I enjoy the fact I can meet and bond with people across the world, and if it just so happens we click because of wonderful and intelligent conversations, then of course I'm going to learn to grow and care about you IC and OOC. Why? Because that's just the kind of person I've become, and I don't see that changing any time soon either.
Again that was a really long story, so if you finished reading that I thank you. Thank you for taking time to relate and understand, to empathize with the words that make up this story. Guess now I've only to sign off, have a happy Thanksgiving everyone. Cheers.