Naming Trial

[Faith Augustin]

80th Ashan, 717

Following events here

It was Naming Trial on Scalvoris, the trial where parents celebrated the names of those children born to them the arc before and Faith had been, on the surface, exactly the same as she always was that morning, as had he. Except for those small details like lingering in his arms just a few bits more, of keeping her duties to a minimum so that she could be home, that kind of thing. She wasn't fooling him, she knew, but then she wasn't trying to, either. As she'd left to get to the Glass Temple before her shift at the Order of the Adunih started, she'd kissed him and told him she'd be home as soon as she was done there.

Which meant that she was home before him, this trial. They were so busy the two of them that their schedules almost never coincided with each other and they both had to work hard to get time together. It was worth it, she knew, in the long run and it would not last forever. Not at all. Although, she considered, it wasn't likely to ever be quiet either. Especially not considering the new business and the idea she'd had for that.

When he got home, Faith was in the kitchen, from which emanated some truly wonderful scents. She was making some savoury biscuits to go with cheeses, experimenting with the different ingredients. She'd already worked on some pickles and relishes and was just finishing up as she heard the dog starting to bark in delight. As he made his way in to the house, Faith was walking out of the kitchen and the smile which lit her face when she saw him was genuine and heartfelt. "I am glad to see you. I missed you to-trial."

Stepping into his arms, Faith smiled up at him and pulled herself to him as she kissed him. There was no doubt to her how different she felt from when they'd separated for the trial this morning. "How was work? What did you do?" Whatever else was going on, she always asked him that and listened to his answer, her full attention on him.

Once he had answered, however, Faith had things to discuss with him, so she made her way over to the sofa to sit with him. "I have three things to talk to you about, Padraig. News, I have news for you, information that it's important you have and a question to ask you." As always she was logical and precise about such things and sitting on the sofa she put her hands in his lap. The tattoo mark of the Zuuda blessing was always around her wrist, of course, but her fingernails were completely changed. Faith always kept her nails short so how they had grown since the morning might seem impossible.

"I went to the Temple this morning," as she did every morning, in fact. "I lit a candle for Rose, and I whispered her name. Vri was there." Faith was, there was no doubting it, emotional as she spoke. But she was calmer, more at peace than she had been. "He asked me why I grieved for her and I told him. Then he told me that I had to let her go, let her pass over. He held out his hand and I knew what I had to do." The slight lift of her lips was sad rather than joyful and she reached for Padraig's hand. "I held on to the handkerchief, put all the love I had in to it and gave it to him. He took it and held my hands." She showed him the fingernails, which he undoubtedly did not need to be shown in order to see.

"It's Vri's blessing. Bellinos. To serve life and death and the in between." She looked at Padraig and her gaze was both pleased and a little unsure. She knew that he had mixed feelings about her particular choice of Immortals, yet he'd always been supportive. The next words she spoke were of monumental importance to her and she almost dare not say them in case saying them somehow stopped them being true. Superstition aside, it was Padraig who she had to tell about this, though she had been almost bursting with it since the morning. "He told me my name, Padraig."

[Padraig]

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Padraig knew what trial it was, just as she did. Neither of them talked about it, he rarely did, but they both felt it. But while he realized she'd go to the temple and light a candle, Padraig wouldn't. It didn't mean that he didn't remember, or care, and Faith knew it. He simply dealt with it differently than her.

So for him, on the surface it was a trial like any other, and he'd arrived home to find her already there. "Something smells wonderful," he called out as he hung his coat by the door, pushed his boots off with his heels and dropped his case by the door. Just as she stepped into his arms. Grinning then, he added, "I think it's you."

He'd missed her too, and the kiss lingered, before he drew back and smiled. What had he done? "You know, the usual. Study, teach, grade, study, rinse, repeat," he teased her. Something was on her mind though, something more than just her visit to the temple. He sensed as much as she coaxed him to sit beside her on the sofa, without her telling him as much.

They'd barely sat down before Cosmo wedged himself in between them, licking both their faces, and Quattro worried herself between their legs and feet, rubbing and purring wildly. Of course when he saw her hands, the nails and the tattoos were hard to miss. This wasn't just a fashion choice, done on a whim and he frowned curiously. "What's this?" Vri. Yes, the Immortal of love and death. An odd combination if there ever was one, so far as he was concerned. But still it was a wonder. She seemed to attract Immortals like flies to sugar.

So he'd asked her to let their daughter go, perhaps comforted her and then..."He marked you," he said, referring to her hands. Padraig didn't doubt that she welcomed the blessing. He did as well, for her, though she knew already that he was forever a little unnerved by the choice of Immortals and what they represented. Over time though it had become a little less so, if not completely.

"It's wonderful Faith," he said, genuinely. "These immortals," he added, smiling a little, "Those who've come and enlisted your service. They have very good taste I'd say." He wasn't sure how the marks of Famula, Moseke and Vri were all connected together. But he imagined she did know, and very well besides. But the last took him by complete surprise. "Your name. You mean your family name?" he asked.

[Faith Augustin]

They dealt with it differently yet they dealt with it the same; the best way they could. They didn't talk about what happened in Rharne, there was no need to. Had there been a need, they would have but it was not their way to constantly pick over old scabs either one of them. She wondered, sometimes, how she was so certain with so few words between them but she knew it was because his actions spoke with much more clarity.

In all truth, Faith would have been quite content to linger in his arms in the hallway, but the sofa was more comfortable and the dog and cat were able to be there too. "Oh, Cosmo, get off that's disgusting." Yet she scratched the dog behind the ear and could not help but grin. He was a well-trained dog, but his tendency to face lick was something that they couldn't break him of. Yet she had to admit they didn't really try.

Padraig of course noticed the nails ~ the tattoo on her wrist being her Famula mark, so familiar to him since that night in the park in Rynmere. The nails, though, they were new. It was ironic, Faith thought, that two of the marks she bore with such pride fitted with her old way of dressing much more than now that she was choosing what she wore. He was pleased, though and Faith smiled in pleasure and a little relief. "Love, death, sorrow and remembrance. I know it seem strange to most people, but I understand it." Her gaze was steadfast, examining his eyes and their deep amber colour. "I never understood sorrow until I loved. I suppose it's only when you own that you can understand loss." Faith shrugged slightly, watching him as he looked at her nails. "I don't know about good taste so much." She smiled at his assessment, "but they fit together, Padraig. The moment a child is born, they get a lifetime. For some, that's a breath, for others a hundred arcs. One lifetime. The one truth for them all is that Vri greets them at the end, whenever it is. That is the natural order." She wrapped her fingers around his, "Unless they don't go with Vri, in which case Famula takes care of them. Life, death, souls. All just people." Was it strange? She thought most people thought so, but it was what it was and she would not change her way of thinking about it.

He was as surprised as her, though, at the last words she spoke. A frown creased her brow and Faith nodded her head. "A family name," as she spoke her expression told of her conflict. "Nardovino." She shook her head. "I've never said that word before, it isn't my name. I don't want it." Seeking out Padraig's gaze Faith tried to explain what she did not understand fully herself. Yet, it boiled down to something quite straightforward.

"I am yours. You are mine. That is our choice. I could have been theirs but they made a choice. Maybe it was the best choice they had but I couldn't make it for Rose. Her name was Augustin because she was ours. Nardovino is the name of strangers. Not mine." Faith sighed and looked at him with confusion in her expression. "Yet he gave me it for a reason. Because he expects me to do something with it. I don't know what to do, Padraig."

[Padraig]

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"I'd like to think it's affection, and an expression of having missed us during the trial," Padraig said, and smiled when she scolded Cosmo, who remained undeterred. It might just be that in part, but "I also think he might be checking to see if we've eaten anything interesting lately." Through the pores, that was.

He guessed it was about balance though, her explanation of why Vri, and this particular combination of Immortals in worship. How could one recognize happiness for what it was, after all, if they'd never experienced sorrow? "Are you saying that lifelines are predetermined at birth?" he asked and frowned, for surely that wasn't what she meant. He'd have to believe differently, or at least he'd prefer to if it was.

Because if it was so, then self-determination meant very little and as a scientist, and a man, the idea ran counter to who and what he was.

"You don't want it?" he asked though when she talked about her family name. On the one hand, he understood her feeling completely. If she'd been given over into slavery by her own family, as she'd been taught, then naturally she'd want no part of it. On the other hand, they'd discussed family names before, and she'd mentioned not having one as if it bothered her.

Vri had told her the name though, and there had to be a reason for it. He frowned and considered before speaking. "You have a choice," he said, "To pursue it or not. That's free will. But I do think maybe," he suggested, "that you might be curious and continue to wonder if what you were told was the truth. And wonder about them too." Surely she was curious, and looking into it didn't necessarily mean meeting them face to face did it, he added?

[Faith Augustin]

"Oh, that's disgusting! I will have you know, Cosmo, I wash after every meal. You are horrid." Her tone of voice and the way that she fussed the dog when she spoke told a very different truth to her words and she glanced at Padraig and wrinkled her nose in an unsuccessful attempt to not grin. "And so are you for thinking it. Ew."

However, when he sought clarification, Faith glanced up from her fussing of the dog and shook her head. "Predetermined? Immortals, no." That was a million miles away from what she believed. "My apologies if that is what I said, it most certainly is not what I mean. What I was trying to say was," she considered her words carefully. "We are all born, we all die. Those are absolutes of mortality." Her hand in his tightened and she looked at him with a very serious expression. "That is what we each get. One lifetime. The distance between birth and death is different, but it is a lifetime and for all we know it is the only one we have. We are responsible for our own choices, and they shape what is open or closed to us."

Faith looked at him with some surprise as a thought occurred to her. "You don't believe in that predetermined fate nonsense, do you?" Realising just how that sounded if he did she added quickly, "I mean, if you do then... well, if you do it's silly." Evidently, trying to be supportive wasn't working out for her. "I support you, but I don't agree. Even things which seem to be fate, like being born and who to, they are the result of choices, just not ours." With a slight raise of her eyebrow she considered that it would be most unlike him to believe in such.

When the talk turned to her name, though, Padraig questioned her statement and she couldn't entirely blame him. "No, I don't want it. I mean. I do. But I don't. It's complicated." Usually, Faith made decisions and did so with relative ease but in this she could not see a 'right way' forward. Pulling her knees up and curling up into him more, she tried to explain, although she knew it made little sense. "I know it's illogical, Padraig, but I would like to have a name." She knew that she was being contrary, she explained, especially since she'd argued against naming stars and all the reasons still remained. Yet still, she was conflicted.

"I don't want to just take it and use it. It isn't mine, it was never given to me. I have no right to it." If her parents had simply handed her over to the slavers then she wouldn't want to use. "I'd rather have no name that that one, if that's what happened. But what if it isn't?" What if there were people out there looking for her, thinking she was dead or who were, fundamentally, not at fault she wondered? "What if I was there, not by their choice at all?" She sighed and nodded her head.

"I'll try and find out about them." Yet she was afraid. Right now, she had a 'what if' to hold to. As and when she discovered what her situation actually was? "I'm just scared that the owners told me the truth about what happened when I was born. I've worked so hard to really believe that everything they said was a lie." To give even one bit of what they had told her truth, if it did, was to suggest that there was truth in other things too. She gave a shrug, but her frown was increasingly confused. "Padraig? I know this is going to sound mad, but I.. I remember being born." She looked at him and was obviously utterly confounded. "I didn't. I mean, this morning I didn't. But, I do." It came, of course, from Vri's blessing and when she considered it she knew that made sense. Wide eyed, she lifted a hand to her temple as she struggled to make it make sense, one image after another coming to her. "I think I can remember everything. My whole life."

[Padraig]

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"No, not at all," Padraig said bluntly when she asked him, did he believe in predetermination. "It's hog swill, but my grandfather is, or at least was a believer. As if there was a book somewhere, with all the events of your life beginning to end written down in it," he explained, grinned and shrugged.

"You'd never talk him out of it." Of course while the comments might sound critical to anyone else, looking back, that tenacity of belief was just one of the things that made his grandfather unique, interesting and who he was. Padraig agreed anyway. They were each of them responsible for their choices, both the good and the bad.

When Faith curled up against him in spite of Cosmo's interference, he wrapped an arm snugly round her shoulder. "It's not illogical, and it's only natural that you'd experience conflict in that regard. You have a right. You have every right, but it's not about that." He believed too that she ought to find out if she could. Good or bad, whether the slavers had lied to her or told her the truth, she might not like the answers. But not knowing, she'd always wonder and question.

But then suddenly she switched directions, claiming that she remembered, all the way back to her birth. Frowning curiously, he shifted on the couch so he could see her better. "What do you mean, you remember? What do you remember?" he asked.

[Faith Augustin]

"Well thank goodness for that. I thought I was going to have try and be polite about silly beliefs." That she was teasing him was evident, but equally she genuinely believed notions of predetermination to be utterly ludicrous. The news that his grandfather thought it, though, caused a slight blush from Faith. "Oops. I only think.. I mean. I wouldn't call him silly. Have you written to him?" They had talked about Padraig writing to his grandfather for a while now and by now she was sure that he would have. "Because you are all out of excuses if not. Lovely home, excellent job, successful student. A woman who loves you in the presence of Vri himself. He deserves to know that all his hard work paid off, doesn't he?" Faith looked at him with a serious gaze. More than anything she didn't want Padraig to have regrets, especially when it was too late to do anything about it. "He might want to visit, one trial, do you think? See where his grandson works. We could arrange it."

With his arm around her shoulder, Faith lowered her head so it rested against him. His proximity and embrace calmed her, even as the dog gave a disgusted yip sound and decided to instead plop himself laid out across both their laps. She nodded her head at Padraig's words, he was right she knew. "I know. But if they told me the truth about my parents, then did they tell me the truth about me?" There were all sorts of emotions whirling around in her at that moment and she sighed deeply. "They didn't just tell me that my parents sold me. They told me why. What I was worth, in nel and how that was my only worth. They told me it all together, as one thing and I have had to work so hard to not believe them any more." She still did, they both knew it.

Thinking about this, considering her birth was what caused her to think about the actual event and Faith didn't so much switch direction as suddenly get overwhelmed, although it might look like it to him. However, her hand raised to her temple and a deep frown settled on her face. "Oh, I don't.... I can't make sense of it all, Padraig. I. That is. Oh, there are just too many images, flashing in one on top of another." Faith closed her eyes and took her hand out of his, pinching the bridge of her nose with one hand whilst she rubbed her temple with the other. Regulating her breathing she utilised every bit of discipline and focus she had to endure the psychological battering of memories suddenly falling in on her.

After a few moments she breathed in and opened her eyes again, lowering her hand from her nose and putting it back into his. "It's part of Vri's blessing." Faith explained, "I have access to everything. Everything I've ever experienced, with perfect clarity from all of my life." She looked at him with confusion in her eyes. "I remember being born, Padraig." Her expression showed the battle going on internally as she struggled to put together all that was suddenly accessible to her.

The expression on her face, thought, could not begin to match the conflicting experiences she was seeing for the first time, her mind reeling and for just a brief trill Faith looked as though she might just burst into tears before her face settled again into a very careful and neutral expression which he hadn't seen for a long time. "It's too much. I can't." Her next word was a whisper. "Vesna. Vesna Nardovino. It's who I would have been." There was more, so much more, but it was tumbling in and she could not, as yet, speak it.

"I feel lost." Faith said, her voice careful and almost emotionless. "Like I don't know who I am. What do I do, Padraig?" She didn't even know, in truth, what she was asking him but somehow, as her hand in his tightened, she knew that he understood that and would answer her anyhow.

Off Topic

Uber post totes emosh. Soz!

[Padraig]

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It was amusing, observing Faith as she tried to back pedal her way out of inadvertently referencing his grandfather's beliefs in a way she though might offend him. It didn't. Not in the least. There were many things that Padraig and his grandfather had disagreed on. But where once he'd have been critical of the old man, in retrospect he simply believed those differences gave his grandfather more character.

"You might get a debate out of him, but not me. And no, I haven't written him," he admitted when she asked. "There's no excuse except that I've never been much of a letter writer. Nor has he been. I should though," he conceded then. "It's been some time since I left home. He might want to know I'm still alive and doing alright, and he might even want to visit." He wasn't sure about the last bit. The older man had never shown any interest in seeing the world. Or maybe, he just hadn't said it, had he wanted to.

She knew how he felt about slavery, and about the treatment she'd received during the time she'd been a slave. And not just by those who'd purchased, trained and owned her previously to Tristan, but Tristan himself. It was a touchy subject even now. But she knew how he felt, she knew his views and there was no reason for him to dredge them up again. He only wished it hadn't been her reality. But if it hadn't been, it was an area of conflict for him. Would they ever have met otherwise? And if they hadn't, Padraig wouldn't wish it on anyone. Certainly not her, and not anyone else.

"I can't imagine it," he said instead, and smiled as she tried to explain. "To remember everything from the moment of birth. Even the process of it. It's all so strange." But Vesna? How different it was from the name she'd been given instead. "Of course you do." Feel lost, he meant. How could she feel any other way? It must feel like a wave of confusion and mixed emotions washing over her. And yet? He frowned, hugging her shoulder and pulling her closer.

"I can't tell you what to do. I wish I could. Or that I could contend with it for you," he admitted. "But I think that this is something that's completely yours to decide. I'll be beside you and support you, whatever you choose to do." That, she could count on. But ultimately the choice was hers. To pursue it and accept the risks that came with doing it. Or to leave it, and look no further.

[Faith Augustin]

"Not much of a letter writer?" Faith raised an eyebrow. "Definitely all out of excuses, I'd say." Still, she didn't want him feeling bad or like she thought he should feel bad. "It would be nice to visit him, or him visit us. We've got plenty of room and I think he might like it." Padraig saw it as whether or not his grandfather wanted to leave his home, see the world and that sort of thing, Faith was sure of it. Yet, to her mind his grandfather might want to visit or be visited for many different reasons than that.

As he hugged her closer, she went with the movement and leaned into him, burying her head into his shoulder and just trying to calm down. One image after another fell into her and she heard him speak but could not yet make sense of what he said. Pinching her nose hadn't worked, sitting with him here and nestled against him though, she started to make some sense of it. The weight of the dog on her lap, that was real. The feeling of his arms around her as they sat together in their home, that was real too. "It's a stupid name, they can keep it. Vesna, I mean. Although, Aeon was close." Aeon, after all, called her Velma. She didn't look at him, choosing to keep her head nestled against him as she spoke, his heartbeat punctuating her words like a background noise. "My mother whispered it to me. She cried when she gave me to them, but she took the money."

Faith said nothing for a few moments, utilising every lesson in discipline and control she had ever learned and failing. Eventually she lifted her head to look at him, tears on her cheeks. "They sold me. It's confusing, but it's all there, all here." Breathing in with a shuddering breath she tried to speak the words. "I look like her. She's shorter than my father, he's tall with pale eyes like mine, but I can't really see him. Just my mother. She's crying, and whispering to me." With a shake of her head, Faith stopped for a moment and just sat with him, holding on tightly. After a few moments, though, the tension in her left her body, she relaxed and hugged him with a brief ferocity and then she sat up, wiping the tears away.

"She just kept telling me she was sorry, but they had to. No one has to do that. Even if they couldn't keep me they didn't need to do that." Faith shook her head, then she looked at him with a very different expression. "This free woman's name is Faith, and I'd like a family name. Can I use yours?" She smiled at him and reached out to touch his cheek. "You're my family, our life is my life. The only one I have and the only one I need. I don't need more than we have, it's more than I ever believed possible, more than I dreamed of. Would that be alright?"

That, she realised, was why Vri had told her the name Nardovino. Not because it was hers, but because it was not. She understood in a moment of sudden, beautiful clarity ~ he had given her the name that was not hers so that she would understand the name that was. Her prayer of thanks to him was heartfelt and sincere, as was her thanks for this man she loved. "None of my memories are of those people, those names. My memories are with you, my sorrows and my joys are shared with you. I make you eyebath." She smiled at him. He'd know what she meant, she was sure. "All the other names are just words and might as well be numbers. Except ours."

[Padraig]

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Padraig knew he should at least write to his grandfather. Let him know he was still alive, what he'd achieved, where he was. Tell him about Faith. It wasn't a lack of will or want, so much as neither of them had ever been great communicators. He'd make a point of it though, he assured Faith. And he would.

For now there were other concerns to contend with. Though the choice of how, or if to pursue them was hers along. He'd help in any way he could. Support, lend a sympathetic ear, whatever she wanted or needed. But ultimately the choice would be hers. Of course he hadn't been prepared to say it aloud. But his impression of the name Vesna wasn't a positive one. Or at least, it wasn't one he'd choose for a child of their own. Still, part of that distaste could be connected with the history behind it.

What she told him then though, regarding her memories of her mother, caused a fresh, curious frown to settle across his face. "I won't tell you that what they did was the right thing, Faith. I can't begin to believe that it was. But sometimes people become overwhelmed by their circumstances and do things that are foolish, that they might later regret," he suggested. "You may consider that it wasn't your mother's choice at all. That she was either pressured or forced by your father. Or they were both pressured by somebody else," he suggested.

Of course considering it didn't mean that he was suggesting she search them out. Only that she realize that there may have been other things going on, that were out of their control. And it didn't change whether they should have done it. In his mind it was unacceptable.

But then when she asked about taking his name, Padraig paused abruptly and looked at her with surprise. After all, he'd offered once before, and she'd declined. Was it only this, the memories that had changed her mind? Or was it something else? It wasn't that long ago that she'd confessed she'd been prepared to propose marriage, and in turn a small part of him knew what his answer would be if she had.

Was this her way of asking, without saying it outright, he wondered? And why not? They were one already, the two of them, in every conceivable way. Padraig smiled and nodded. "Of course you can have my name. Nothing would make me happier," he said. "So yes, and why don't we make it official?" Padraig knew that she'd realize what he meant. It was her that had asked, after all.