Vhalar 70, Arc 709
I have sought Ti’s council today. Again. The boy is growing on me. The age is not as much of a barrier as it could be with other children. I sometimes feel that he tops me in every single bsse in life. Definitely in the profoundness of beliefs. Bu today, I nearly said things that might have ruined him..us - as friends. I almost told him things even Telar doesn’t know. The anger that rose in me, the disgust and hate as I thought about it… It was overwhelming. I felt like I was being suffocated by the past. It won’t let go of me. The fact that I killed. Murdered a man and his servants to get my freedom. I nearly told him that I belong in jail, on the executioner’s block. It still haunts me. The forest whispers into my nightmares. I have never lived them as intensely as I do here. Almost every night I relive one part or the other of my crime. The wind wailing around the inn is like screams of people imprisoned in the burning house. Branches scratching against the window like nails trying to break free from certain death. Walking in the forest is like walking on bones as they crack. It sickens me. My whole past, everything. It sits on my chest. It is crushing me and I just want it gone.
I didn’t tell him though. I stopped myself. He can’t know. Not when he is this young. When his friends are supposed to be...not like me. That boy though...he has me questioning myself. At one point, I nearly spew my darkest secrets to him and in the next I almost turn into bawling baby at his feet. All will heal in time, he said. He believes so strongly that I will become better even when he doesn’t know how rotten I am. He trusts I can do it and it aches inside to think I might fail him. He is but a boy who doesn’t yet understand the intricacies of life and choices. Maybe one day, when he grows and learns, he will. Maybe then, if I fail, he might forgive me. Maybe I will forgive myself by then.