Brain Malfunctions Continued

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Jade
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Deeeeeaaaarrrrrrrr Players!

Before I head into another long weekend at work, please remember that I:

Work Saturday, Sunday, and Monday from 5:30PM till 6AM EST. That's right, 12 hour graveyard shifts. I will not be able to do much of anything until Tuesday morning. That means my responses to PMs will be nearly non existent until I get off of work for the weekend. That also means my responses to threads will be a no go for 36 hours, unless I get off earlier than 4am.

If you have serious issues that need to be handled within the day, please resort to one of the other moderators during the weekend.

Thank you for understanding and happy writing!
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"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”J.R.R. Tolkien
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Jade
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I'm feeling really down as of late...

Like sporadic bouts of depression that just completely cripple me and I think it's due to the fact that the holidays are coming and everything is completely different from last year.

I should start off by saying that I'm not looking for comfort or words of encouragement. At times like this, all I want to do is spill my guts and have someone listen and see me, because I feel like we're all just so caught up in life nowadays that we don't really see other people, or take into account that they are going through things in life too.

This time last year, I had my ex. Sure, we were broken up but at least I still saw him and I had someone I was romantically involved with. As the year progressed, I started hanging out with a chick from work that was such a mess. I let her and a lot of other people use me because I wanted friends. Alcohol was something I started to hit a little too hard and then, I found myself in a hole. That same girl wrecked my car, almost killed me, and the aftermath I'm still dealing with. I confided in the wrong people, I trusted the wrong people, I had hopes for the wrong people and it all backfired in my face. I was stood up by a guy I really liked, only to find out he thought I was some disease infested slut because I slept with someone we both knew. He also told most of my friends about it all and his opinion of me. The guy I had slept kept asking me for something more, only to turn around and try to get with one of my other friends, then lied about it to my face. On top of this, one of my closest friends from high school got married and didn't invite me to her wedding. However, she invited my two other friends, at the time, and they actually went and didn't tell me. I found all of this out on facebook. I've been called pathetic by these people, crazy, a child, a weirdo. Like really?

Even just talking about it makes me so weak. People avoid me at work now and I don't have anyone around me I really talk to anymore. Part of it all, I did to myself. The other part though... I don't even know. I don't understand why people do this and I guess I'm just so hurt by everything that's happened in the past year that I just can't seem to process it. I cut a lot of people out of my life because I deserved better than what I had. I let others treat me like crap and made excuses for them. Now that I know better, now that I've put my foot down, now that I've stopped trusting people so freely, I can't help but feel overwhelmingly lonely. You'd think after so much time spent with someone, they would care even a little bit about why you're upset? But they don't care and that realization is just so... devastating.

Most people aren't like me though. Most people won't give two shits and sometimes I wonder if I should be that way too. Sometimes I wonder why I'm not.

I guess it's just been too quiet lately.
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"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”J.R.R. Tolkien
Jedith Skylar
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Brain Malfunctions Continued

If I am crossing a line somewhere, somehow by posting this, then I apologize, but I feel that it is important that I post this. People can be by and large complete and utter losers sometimes. I mean, often they don’t bother to check an assumption, or merely go by hearsay & never bother to check out the facts. Still, the wedding thing is particularly irksome, at least for me, because: one if you are a friend to a group of people, you really should have a real good reason for inviting some and not inviting other; and two, if you do invite some of your friends and not others, at the very least don’t be entirely tactless by announcing it on face book. One just has to shake one’s head and move on when encountering the various ill-mannered folks of the world. Fortunately I’ve not encountered any here, but here’s to things looking up yeah, cheers, Jon.
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More than a boy, not quite a man.
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Credit for this goes to Faith, who found it after hearing aboutJed on chat
About the author
Jedith's writer is blind, and I do mean that in the physical sense... light and dark detection isn't even a reliable thing at this point. As such Dischord isn't an option, and other errors are to be expected. He isn't exactly happy about this, so feel free to point them out when they occur: thanks in advance for them.
Jed's author is seeking someone with working eyes to assist with images: thank you.
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Patrick
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I had no idea all that other business had been going on as well Jade, I remember you mentioned the issue with the wedding invitations and all, but everything else going on at work plus word of the mouth from these guys? You many say you don't need encouragement out of this, but for me to not at least say something would be a serious bother on my mind. So I'll just outright say that no matter what you're going through, no matter what it is that troubles you or whatever you need out of me, whether its just a friendly chat or serious personal discussion; you can always come to me for anything.

I'll make a long story cut short in sharing this, but I used to live further down near Arkansas, as I had moved up to Nebraska over a year ago. Before the big move I lived in this constant reality where I felt anxious, always worried about what people expected of me every day. I lived with Generalized Social Anxiety constantly and even manic depression which came in bouts, which I never took any sort of medication for until two months before my big move. The reason for moving was to help me feel better about myself, to break away all that built up anxiety that I contained over the years. And ever since then it has been a bit of an emotional roller coaster for me, but so far I've managed to keep the attitude change strong in my time up here.

Guess what my point behind the story is, not to let the ideas or opinions of others bother you. It gets hard sometimes but its much more liberating in the long run, and as for those who actually dedicate the time to be a part of your life; don't be afraid to be yourself around them. Because those that actually do try to stick around, those are the ones who might care in the long run. Those are the people who you might be able to trust later on down the line, and it starts with a mutual respect between you and them. Hopefully this bit of input brightens your days a little in the future, and if you need me then you already know where to find me. (Skype... you can find me on Skype of course.)
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"Freedom is everything."


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You sound as if you need a good purging cry.
If it's quiet, listen to some music.
If the song makes you cry, all the better.

As you know, I am the old guy on the site, and I've come to know that no two people feel hurt the same, or hurt over the same things to the same degree.
Because of this, it is a touchy thing to try to compare horror stories. But I can assure you I have them too.
One experience may feel mild by comparison, and make you feel like the person can't possibly know how much you hurt.
Whereas another may make you feel guilty because what you were upset about now seems mild by comparison.
And neither of those results is helpful.
I don't imagine you need me to describe the imbalance of give-and-take that frequently occurs between people.

So I suggest this song. It has always served me well.
Don't let the goofy rep of this band give you pause. This is a hugely insightful and cleansing tune.
For me, it is stating the fact that we all want to reach out to those we've established relationships with, but that there comes a point...
I'm sure it's supposed to be more romance-oriented, but it can be taken to far wider interpretations.
I don't know what your taste in music is, but I hope this helps. As much as anything, I just want to say I'm here.

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Jade
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One of my favorite stories. Enjoy.

The Egg

By Andy Weir


You were on your way home when you died.
It was a car accident. Nothing particularly remarkable, but fatal nonetheless. You left behind a wife and two children. It was a painless death. The EMTs tried their best to save you, but to no avail. Your body was so utterly shattered you were better off, trust me.
And that’s when you met me.
“What… what happened?” You asked. “Where am I?”
“You died,” I said, matter-of-factly. No point in mincing words.
“There was a… a truck and it was skidding…”
“Yup,” I said.
“I… I died?”
“Yup. But don’t feel bad about it. Everyone dies,” I said.
You looked around. There was nothingness. Just you and me. “What is this place?” You asked. “Is this the afterlife?”
“More or less,” I said.
“Are you god?” You asked.
“Yup,” I replied. “I’m God.”
“My kids… my wife,” you said.
“What about them?”
“Will they be all right?”
“That’s what I like to see,” I said. “You just died and your main concern is for your family. That’s good stuff right there.”
You looked at me with fascination. To you, I didn’t look like God. I just looked like some man. Or possibly a woman. Some vague authority figure, maybe. More of a grammar school teacher than the almighty.
“Don’t worry,” I said. “They’ll be fine. Your kids will remember you as perfect in every way. They didn’t have time to grow contempt for you. Your wife will cry on the outside, but will be secretly relieved. To be fair, your marriage was falling apart. If it’s any consolation, she’ll feel very guilty for feeling relieved.”
“Oh,” you said. “So what happens now? Do I go to heaven or hell or something?”
“Neither,” I said. “You’ll be reincarnated.”
“Ah,” you said. “So the Hindus were right,”
“All religions are right in their own way,” I said. “Walk with me.”
You followed along as we strode through the void. “Where are we going?”
“Nowhere in particular,” I said. “It’s just nice to walk while we talk.”
“So what’s the point, then?” You asked. “When I get reborn, I’ll just be a blank slate, right? A baby. So all my experiences and everything I did in this life won’t matter.”
“Not so!” I said. “You have within you all the knowledge and experiences of all your past lives. You just don’t remember them right now.”
I stopped walking and took you by the shoulders. “Your soul is more magnificent, beautiful, and gigantic than you can possibly imagine. A human mind can only contain a tiny fraction of what you are. It’s like sticking your finger in a glass of water to see if it’s hot or cold. You put a tiny part of yourself into the vessel, and when you bring it back out, you’ve gained all the experiences it had.
“You’ve been in a human for the last 48 years, so you haven’t stretched out yet and felt the rest of your immense consciousness. If we hung out here for long enough, you’d start remembering everything. But there’s no point to doing that between each life.”
“How many times have I been reincarnated, then?”
“Oh lots. Lots and lots. An in to lots of different lives.” I said. “This time around, you’ll be a Chinese peasant girl in 540 AD.”
“Wait, what?” You stammered. “You’re sending me back in time?”
“Well, I guess technically. Time, as you know it, only exists in your universe. Things are different where I come from.”
“Where you come from?” You said.
“Oh sure,” I explained “I come from somewhere. Somewhere else. And there are others like me. I know you’ll want to know what it’s like there, but honestly you wouldn’t understand.”
“Oh,” you said, a little let down. “But wait. If I get reincarnated to other places in time, I could have interacted with myself at some point.”
“Sure. Happens all the time. And with both lives only aware of their own lifespan you don’t even know it’s happening.”
“So what’s the point of it all?”
“Seriously?” I asked. “Seriously? You’re asking me for the meaning of life? Isn’t that a little stereotypical?”
“Well it’s a reasonable question,” you persisted.
I looked you in the eye. “The meaning of life, the reason I made this whole universe, is for you to mature.”
“You mean mankind? You want us to mature?”
“No, just you. I made this whole universe for you. With each new life you grow and mature and become a larger and greater intellect.”
“Just me? What about everyone else?”
“There is no one else,” I said. “In this universe, there’s just you and me.”
You stared blankly at me. “But all the people on earth…”
“All you. Different incarnations of you.”
“Wait. I’m everyone!?”
“Now you’re getting it,” I said, with a congratulatory slap on the back.
“I’m every human being who ever lived?”
“Or who will ever live, yes.”
“I’m Abraham Lincoln?”
“And you’re John Wilkes Booth, too,” I added.
“I’m Hitler?” You said, appalled.
“And you’re the millions he killed.”
“I’m Jesus?”
“And you’re everyone who followed him.”
You fell silent.
“Every time you victimized someone,” I said, “you were victimizing yourself. Every act of kindness you’ve done, you’ve done to yourself. Every happy and sad moment ever experienced by any human was, or will be, experienced by you.”
You thought for a long time.
“Why?” You asked me. “Why do all this?”
“Because someday, you will become like me. Because that’s what you are. You’re one of my kind. You’re my child.”
“Whoa,” you said, incredulous. “You mean I’m a god?”
“No. Not yet. You’re a fetus. You’re still growing. Once you’ve lived every human life throughout all time, you will have grown enough to be born.”
“So the whole universe,” you said, “it’s just…”
“An egg.” I answered. “Now it’s time for you to move on to your next life.”
And I sent you on your way.
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Jade
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Hey everyone,

Thank you to those who've sent me messages regarding my well being and activity. I've been taking some personal time for myself since I've needed it very much (and honestly, I normally take a "break" around this time of year). There is no need to worry, of course. I'm going to pop in to help with reviews and CSes, as well as other things that need my attention, but my activity won't be much in the next week.

I'll be back in full swing the week after.

Happy writing!
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"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”J.R.R. Tolkien
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Warrior Queen - You know what I mean ;)


This makes me think of you. I could post it in the "thinking of you music thread", but I'll post it here.

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Jade
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Retirement, for now...
I'd like to first start off by saying that this isn't a cry for help. Something is wrong with me and I don't feel like the same person I was. After visiting my physician this past week, I'm being referred to a psychiatrist for further treatment. Though this isn't anyone's business, I feel an explanation is needed for my sudden poofing.

This medicine I'm on doesn't seem to be working anymore. I feel lower than I've ever been. Accompanied with that is a lot of anger, irritation, and emptiness, a constant cycle of emotions that leave me too overwhelmed to do or think about anything else.

I've gone from being an extrovert to an introvert, kind and understanding to not giving a damn about what I do or say, and my patience with people, or anything really, is non-existent. It's beyond difficult for me to feel happy, to want to smile, or to appreciate anything. On top of all of this, my memory is becoming crappier.

Due to this, I'm taking off of the site so as to not damage anything good here. I have an appointment this Thursday with the psychiatrist and, depending on what happens, I probably won't be around for a couple months. I'm sorry to the staff, to those who've messaged me about things, and to everyone waiting on me or expecting things from me. Please understand that I am taking steps forward for myself, so that I don't become some massive, crazy, crap head (which is what I feel like right now).

I appreciate any and all support in this. I will be signing off Discord, Skype, and PC accounts. I will keep my moderator account active as to update things, and solve glitches, and the works. I will let you all know when I'm back in action again. Don't worry, I will return when I have my sanity back.

Sorry again and thank you guys,
Jade
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I miss you already, you beautiful human! <3

But for real - take care of yourself. Real life comes first, that's always been a staff rule. Take all the time you need, and we'll be here to hold down the fort for you.

Sending you so much love, Jade. I have such respect for you for bringing this entire site into being and keeping it running for so long. We've got your back, and are deeply looking forward to your return.

Love,
Ru
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"There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about."
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