• Mature • Bar Fight Part 2/2

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Eternity
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Joined: Wed Jul 13, 2022 1:05 am
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Bar Fight Part 2/2



Ashan 1 722



Continued from here!

Eternity's mind was racing with words—her own, those of her adversary—creating a jumbled mash that manifested as rage. Eternity squeezed her hands into balls and took her previous stance. With one foot forward and her hands were up.

The fact that his advice made sense was what really got Eternity going. She didn't want to fight someone who wasn't inebriated, incompetent, or entirely unprepared for her attack. He hadn't even tried to defeat her when he had the opportunity to do so, to make matters worse. He was a complete weirdo and seemed pleased to make fun of her and act silly. The fact that the crowd had entirely turned against her and was shouting inaudibly didn't help the situation. She didn't appear to have as much support as she formerly did, and it seemed that those who'd bet on her were swearing at her

That was to be expected. For a brief moment, her opponent's lesson came to a halt, and he appeared content to let her act. She had already demonstrated what she was capable of with kicks, so Eternity didn't think adding yet another would be effective at this point. Her only option was to close the distance, close with her elbows and fists, then try to lock him down. Eternity advanced once more without giving it much more thought. She moved forward quickly while maintaining a low pace and keeping her guard up. She would start by jabbing him in the left and do her best throw a punch at the head. She kept the strikes coming without any real rhyme or reason.

Trelon, her opponent, tightened his defense right away, bringing his arms up as her arm shot out in a single blow. He recognized that a dodge was the most typical response to a jab, but he didn't appear to have the mental foresight to execute one. He swayed a little as her fist crashed into his forearms, the force of the hit knocking him back a step. The fist zipped back, but another struck immediately after, denying him the opportunity to respond. The girl appeared to care little if she delivered a solid hit as she repeatedly punched through his tight guard. It wasn't long until his forearms started to hurt badly. After taking a few unavoidable steps to the rear and about ten quick punches, he eventually found himself facing the corner. Already? He had already been pushed back thus far by her?

Eternity didn't care about this small time punches. She was preparing for her finisher. She put her weight on her forward left foot. If she had any luck her left arm would come out like a whip and knock him out. Unfortunately, she missed. She slammed her first into the wall sending pain rippling throughout her body. He had slipped underneath her. Eternity's body was already unsteady and her arm was briefly startled. Everything happened so quickly: he managed to knock her off balance, and sent his own elbow to strike her in the chin. Her head shot back and she started to drop. The soft sparring matt served as a cushion, but it was excruciatingly painful. Eternity did everything she could to ignore her pain. She rocked her body back as her body hit the floor. She immediately raised her legs and recovered. She didn't even need to use her hands to get back up.

Her hands were in pain. She mentally berated herself. She was acting in such a typical way. She immediately came up with a dozen other ways she could have put a stop to the fight. Eternity realized she shouldn't have thrown so many quick punches. "Nice one," she admitted.

Her opponent had moved back to the center of the ring and appeared to be paying close attention to her. He had taken a beating but he was in much better shape. The brevity of her words was the only solace he would experience. She stepped forward, glad to be back on the offensive. She didn't want to deliver another punch, and she believed a kick was inevitable.

Although her opponent kept moving around, she believed that if she were successful, he would be taken by surprise. She charged him with the intention of imitating a knee strike while placing her foot directly on his knee. If she could manage it, she could press herself up against him, lean in, and strike him in the head or face with a crushing elbow strike. If she couldn't do it, she would probably find herself in a terrible predicament.

Once more, Trelon was somewhat spared by grace of his instinct, which caused him to jerk his body to one side. She would be standing off-center on his knee, and although her blow wouldn't land where she had intended, it would still hit. Her elbow touched that same shoulder from before as he fell to the side, confused and disoriented. Trelon's face twisted momentarily in Eternity as she either shattered or cracked something, a loud snapping sound echoing out. He let out a little grunt, but it was clear from his features that he was suppressing it.

A flash of smug contentment at landing the strike danced through Eternity’s head as she realized that this kind of attack may terminate a conflict in a hurry. Then everything broke down. Eternity lost her balance and her footing. Although she'd landed the hit, she was unable to rejoice. She fell the ground when her foot twisted and slipped off his knee.

The only thing that came to mind as the world whirled around her was "I'm fucked" The blow was severe. Her head snapped onto the ground as Eternity fell directly on her right shoulder. Her body then made its impact, placing additional strain on her arm as it collapsed under her weight. She tried to lift herself up by rolling but her right arm let her down. she tried the other arm which seemed to still work. Despite shaking, Eternity managed to get up and face her adversary. With each passing second, the earlier blow to her jaw ached more and more, causing a continuous flow of blood to drip to the ground. Despite her constant assault, Eternity reasoned that she was definitely in worse condition than her opponent.

Trelon's fall was a little less painful. Although he still fell hard, he managed to tuck his arm and point it downward, coming close to performing a graceful recovery roll. It was fortunate for him that he landed on his dominant side. He quickly lifted himself up, doing so with his right arm. It would be advisable to avoid using the left shoulder because of the injury. But how severe was the harm? As he quickly rose to his feet, he gave that arm a slight rotation to try and work out some of the kinks. However, he was powerless to resist wincing. It was encouraging that he could still move it. However, he was fairly certain that it was severely injured. A break would occur if there was too much more force applied to it. He groaned and began to hop from side to side again while inspecting the remainder of his body. The workout had left him with some minor aches, but that was all.

Eternity adjusted her stance as she raised her fists up again and drove her left leg forward. She was now confused and in pain. She focused intently, keeping her weight close to her toes. Eternity became nervous about the possibility that he'd notice how sluggish she'd become. The strangest thought, which Eternity had somehow managed to ignore throughout this entire battle, suddenly hit her. He could not have possibly have seen the injury to her right arm. "This man cannot see! How is he able to be so successful?" Squinting at her adversary, she had an idea. She was unaware of his identity or how he developed his combat skills. She nevertheless determined to learn more about this man.

As it so happened, this man was not entirely blind. He was physically blind but he was a mage. He could see with his omnivision ability granted by his attunement spark. He could study things near him well enough. He examined Eternity as she swayed and took that to mean that she wanted to fight some more.

Trelon's smile returned, and it could have been enough to fan the flames of her waning rage. Now, he got a glimmer of an idea. He had one more thing he could teach her. Trelon slightly flexed, rotating his shoulders and being conscious of his collarbone. He shifted into a different posture, bending his knees forcefully, pointing at her with his right foot while pulling his left foot to the side. He didn't want to be afraid or cautious, so he faced her directly. She would not back down yet. She was difficult. In the back of his consciousness, he felt the glimmer of anxiety fade away. He no longer feared her might and speed. He inhaled deeply and raised his hands. It was his turn to go on the offensive.

His assault came swiftly. It was a simple attack, almost mind-boggling in its clarity. Eternity actually paused for a split second to consider how many counterattacks, blocks, and grapples she could successfully execute to stop this move. Her instincts told her to block. Nothing special.

Despite the fact that Eternity's right arm was progressively getting better, she was a little delayed in raising her arms. She was unable to articulate what transpired after that. Trelon struck her and Eternity's entire upper body wrenched back as she experienced a strike that made her regret ever leaving her home. As her mind tried to understand what had just happened, her feet shuffled backwards beside her to prevent her from falling over completely. Her arm snapped back because of how hard he had punched her. Her thumb's knuckle had slammed into the bone beneath her brow, tearing it open. She had a burning forearm.

Eternity somehow found the willpower to stay standing. Eternity put her weight on her forward foot and started to rotate her hips in an effort to seem confident. She raised her right leg in the identical way Trelon saw her use during her warm-ups. She started to kick but the kick lost its momentum halfway through, and she abruptly fell forwards. Her leg had given out, and even worse was that she crashed onto the ground which made her wounds even worse. She'd pushed herself to the point of needing immediate medical attention. Half of the bar erupted into cheer while the other half groaned in disappointment. At the very least, it'd been a good fight.


[Template credit to Pyrre]


Last edited by Eternity on Sun Mar 19, 2023 7:02 pm, edited 2 times in total. word count: 1839
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Re: Bar Fight Part 2/2

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Eternity


I don't think you're bad at writing combat personally. I think if you made a few adjustments to it and focused mainly on the feel of the fight rather than the mechanics (again while keeping the mechanical positions of things in mind without mentioning them), and focus on the action and what is being done to either character at either point, it's a good thing to keep in mind.

Your writing otherwise is fairly clear and easy to follow. I just think a few adjustments and time spent reducing your sentences to smaller statements might go a long way to making the fight more immersive.

Some small things:

"She didn't want to fight someone who wasn't inebriated, incompetent, or entirely unprepared for her attack."

This was probably an honest mistake that you didn't mean to write this way, but made it in haste, but it's a double negative. Double negatives take us right out of the writing and force us to make sense of them. This particular double negative means

"She did want to fight someone who was inebriated, incompetent, or entirely unprepared for her attack."

Is that what you meant to convey? I wasn't entirely sure.

It was an interesting finish, having Eternity lose the fight. It seems very unsportsmanlike of Trelon to use magic during a fight, even a technique like omnivision can have an outsized effect on the outcome of a fight, as he doesn't even need to watch you fully

But anyway, was a good bit of action writing in my opinion, just maybe consider my tips next time you try a action scene and see if you like the results or not. Less is more when it comes to actions, often enough. You are showing that you know how to fill your writing with detail. When writing a good action scene, it's all about taking away as much as possible while preserving the feel of a fight so a reader can picture what is happening for their selves.

Good job!


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