Arc 721, 28 Ashan
Nodding as he told her she didn’t need to apologize, she was happy to leave that part of the conversation there. He said what he needed to, and she understood what he was telling her, grinning as his foot nudged her knee.
How he was feeling? That was a different conversation and one they had needed to have for a while. Elisabeth listened – intently and with understanding. It was a question she had wanted to know the answer to for a while and circumstances had finally allowed him to tell her.
As Balthazar finished, she gently moved her body closer to his, laying her head on his shoulder. She knew about the being alone feeling. Praetorum had clued her in to that during their conversation after he arrived. As well, Elisabeth knew there was nothing she could do to ease how he felt about being cut off from his magic. “Prae described to me what it felt like, to be cut off from magic that is so deeply engrained. I confess I can’t imagine or know what that feels like. I only experienced a small piece of it. Maybe that gives me a very small window into how you are feeling now and if so, I can’t imagine.”
It was difficult, knowing Balthazar was in pain and that there was nothing she could do to help. Elisabeth would gladly have taken on the pain for him if she had been able to.
“When we sparred that one night, the flags? I was upset I had to use Defiance against you. I hated that. I know you teach to use all the tools one has but I really, really hated that moment. So many reasons. I knew if I didn’t, you would have been disappointed. It was the one tool I had that no one else did. That doesn’t mean I enjoyed it.”
Smiling a bit, she decided to let him in on the one thing she had figured out.
“I did figure out that you are keeping our relationship private. Took me a few trials. I was a little confused at first but then it made sense and I agree. It’s hard, not to say the things I want to say or doing the things I want to do but I agree. I want what we have to be for us alone.” Rubbing her head gently against his shoulder, she then raised it a little, laying her chin on it, gazing softly at him.
“It’s not forever, Balthazar. You will have your magic back. But out of everything, the one thing I know for sure…is that you are never alone. Not anymore. I understand it feels like that, I do…but there have been moments where I’ve felt alone too and all I do is look at you and just know. You make me feel safe to acknowledge all the crap we’ve been through because I see you…and know whatever I’m going through, you’ll be there for me. Whatever you are going through, I’m here for you. Even if I can’t understand it, I’m here. Always. Get angry. Get frustrated. Feel what you need to feel. I’m here.”
Rubbing his arm gently, she just sat there, letting what she said sink in, but added one more thought. Speaking softly, being close to him, it felt appropriate. “You love me. That makes me feel safe to feel what demands to be felt. Let me be that for you too. Always.”