Goku's wealth thread Cylus 721

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Goku
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Joined: Sat Mar 13, 2021 3:02 pm
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Goku's wealth thread Cylus 721

Cylus 3 721

“You know what? I can’t shake the feeling that we are wasting our time here. There’s nothing in town better than this? I could spend my time better somewhere else.” The speaker was a human that had sandy brown hair and a black hairband that held her hair to her head. The breeze that pushed the hair back and forth had clearly gotten on her nerves. She was just one of a half dozen workers that were here to earn some pay. Goku was one of the other workers of inter racial backgrounds. Their job was to help move some rocks around. Some boulders were being broken apart which meant that someone needed to take the rocks away. Cue the demand for labor. Goku didn’t know any of the others that were in the posse. He grunted a couple of times while a sack was strapped to his back and rocks were placed into it.

A door swung open then slammed shut. The boss held a fist full of papers in his hands. “Is that reluctance I hear?” he asked without looking up from his papers, “if you don’t want the work then you don’t want the pay.” He had no use for slackers so if someone wanted to quit already it was no skin off his nose. Labor for carrying rocks was cheap. Nobody made a peep after the boss showed up though, not even the one who had started complaining due to the weight of her load.

Goku wanted to complain too but he wasn’t in it for the money. He thought that this might be a good workout. It was far too easy to get stuck at home with a warm drink in one hand and a nice book in the other. Goku was finally ready to start marching towards the drop off point just as the boss went into another building. There was a mountain of paperwork for the boss to attend to, Goku didn’t envy him.

“You’re no human are you?” the talkative girl from before asked Goku as they walked together down the street.

Goku shook his head and asked, “what was your first clue?” Rhetorically, of course. It was plain to see that he wasn’t human.

“Not human but you wear human clothes, ‘xept for the holes you poked through them. I’m Bella” The girl noted with a chuckle.

Goku didn’t understand what the girl’s angle was. He wondered why she was taking the time to talk with him. The rocks were heavy enough to throw off his natural gait so focusing on walking was the number one priority for him. He managed to say “astute observation,” between a series of steps.

“You’re big and strong,” Bella said. “Don’t you know to give your own name by the way? Awfully rude of you. And pick it up! We won’t get back to get the second load if you keep dragging your feet.” She brushed past Goku and nearly made him topple over.

“Watch it!” Goku called out as he staggered into the side of a building. He about lost his balance except there were other workers behind him that were able to prop him up with their open palms. “Ha ha thanks,” he said with an embarrassed look and tone. They grunted and went around him without a word. “Tough crowd,” Goku thought. He then looked at them all. Most of them were skinnier than him yet they were able to carry the weight without complaining. The girl, Bella was it? She was at least a foot and a half shorter than Goku yet she was able to move along more quickly than anyone. She basically skipped along the side of the road as she made her way to the drop off point.

“Don’t get discouraged,” Goku had to tell himself when nobody was listening. “You’ll get there someday. The brat’s probably been doing this for years.” That’s what he told himself but when the girl passed him on the way back to get more rocks Goku couldn’t help but feel like he was too weak. He was dead last of all the laborers to drop off the rocks and he had to run to catch up with them on the way back to get the second load. He wished that he could simply fly to and fro without risking dropping some of the rocks on unsuspecting heads. Then he’d have been in first place for sure.

“Ready for the… for the next… next load,” Goku said tiredly when he finally got back. He looked around and saw that there were still so many rocks left. At least a dozen more trip’s worth.

The boss’s assistant looked Goku up and down with a discerning eye then said, “you sure you are up for another trip? There’s no shame in taking the pay for one trip and going home. I would not feel right in my soul if you ended up in a hospital. We have no money in the budget for paying for medical expenses.”

Goku wanted to lie but it’d be no use. All he wanted to do was sit down. So he said, “I think I’ll take you up on that. I’m totally beat. How can the others do this all day? It doesn’t make sense… especially the girl. She’s a girl for goodness sake, how can she be carrying that much without a problem?”

The assistant performed a quick calculation on the back of his papers to come up with the amount that was owed for a single trip. He helped Goku out of his rock carrying contraption and handed him what he was owed. “The body can adapt to most anything,” he said to Goku. He offered for Goku to have a seat and drink some water. Goku obliged. The assistant then said, “you might think of big muscle bound men as being the strongest, but that much muscle is good for short bursts of power. Take a look at any laborer, they’re likely skinny and lean. I couldn’t explain why or the mechanics behind it to save my life but that’s what I’ve observed. Additionally, the girl is short. I’ve no idea why but the shorter ones can always lift a lot of weight.”

“Hm,” Goku added to show that he was listening. He had never thought much about how someone’s build would translate to having different kinds of uses. “I had always assumed that bigger was better,” he told the assistant. He stood then nodded his head to the man, “Thank you, I’ll be sure to return once I’ve rested and grown stronger. The girl said this was a waste of time but I think it was anything but a waste.”

“Have a good one,” the assistant waved. Bella was fast approaching and he needed to help load the girl’s next load into her basket. Bella winked at Goku as she passed. She’d not thought he would make another trip and she was glad to know she was right. Out performing all the men was half the reason she still took on these kinds of jobs.

Soon the thoughts of Bella and the rocks were out of Goku’s mind. He took the scenic route around town to get back to his neighborhood. He spotted youth that he’d known since they were wee babies running around carefree as ever. Goku couldn’t believe he’d spent so much of his life here. He was happy to be able to call himself a native. Maybe one day he would join an army or mercenary group like he’d always wanted…. But for now… he thought that his life was fairy well off.

“Come play with us!” called the kids he’d spotted.

Goku tried to hide his face but it was already too late. They were upon him, jumping on him like he was at full vitality and hadn’t just carried a bunch of rocks. “Oh, sore sore sore,” he said as the kids brought him to his knees. “I just got off work and I’m tired,” he explained to their deaf ears. They just wanted to roughhouse a bit. Goku did his best to wrestle them back, successfully pinning two of them with his arms but ultimately getting pinned himself when two other children hopped onto his back. “Okay, you win!” he shouted. The children all laughed and ran off to bother the next familiar adult.

“Owie, definitely going to be feeling that in the morning,” Goku said while getting to his feet. He needed to stretch out some of the knots he was feeling in his muscles that had been made apparent in the wrestling frenzy. He walked over to his back yard and laid out on the grass. He looked up into the sky and stretched out all his limbs in various basic poses until he felt so relaxed that he just fell asleep right there. His snores carried through the lazy afternoon until supper time which was just when his stomach urged him to get some food.
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Jackalope
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Re: Goku's wealth thread Cylus 721


Experience: +10 xp

Knowledge:

Strength x3
Acrobatics x1
Endurance x2

Skillplay: Appropriate to level

Loot:
None.

Injuries/Overstepping: Goku is sore all over and will have mildly reduced stamina and strength for the next couple trials (4 & 5 Cylus).

Renown: None.

Comments: Goku experiences a humbling object lesson in the importance of conditioning, and not just strength. Great stuff! The thread does a fine job of outlining some of his salient character traits such as his intentness on self-improvement, and his endearing rapport with younger people. This thread avoids some of the criticisms raised in other reviews: Goku’s skills aren’t overplayed, the flavor NPCs are fine, and while the quarrying site is generic and undeveloped, I don’t see that as being a problem the way a novel sword-training site would be.

That said, I have some comments and suggestions. They are generally more a matter of missed opportunities than actual problems, though.

You acknowledged at one point the logistical issues that having wings present, specifically for the sorts of clothes Goku wears. That was good! But you didn’t mention it as posing any sort of challenge for him wearing a large bundle on his back. Not only was that a missed opportunity for character development, but it made it harder for me as a reader to visualize the action.

You emphasized that carrying the rocks was physically challenging for Goku, and that it was hard to walk naturally. That was good! You could have done more with that, especially when you’re claiming as many as three knowledges for strength. This is where naming specific knowledges in your request actually helps flesh out storytelling; describing three specific strength challenges your efforts presented in the thread could have made the story that much more vivid and interesting (e.g., Goku’s legs almost buckled, his back strained, his shoulders burned).

You convey Goku’s situations and interactions well, but the setting feels generic and abstract. There were opportunities to plug in details unique to Scalvoris. For example, you have a character mentioning that he wouldn’t want Goku to end up in the hospital. A Scalvoris resident would probably have said something like: “end up at the Order [of Adunih]”. These touches should start to come more naturally to you with practice. Also, at the end of the thread, you have Goku lie down and fall asleep outside. This is in spite of the fact that the season is Cylus, during which the temperature is almost always quite cold, often well below freezing. Realistically, Goku falling asleep outside would have been uncomfortable and even potentially dangerous. This was another missed chance to acknowledge setting and make it as vivid as other elements of Goku’s stories.

You didn’t list any injuries/overstepping in your request, but after this degree of unfamiliar exertion, Goku would be sore and tired for at least a trial afterwards.

Wow, that’s a lot of commentary to drop on you, and I know you’ve gotten a similar amount of comments on other reviews. I know that can feel a bit overwhelming and negative. It’s not meant to do that. Don’t feel discouraged; Goku’s a promising character, and I hope to see more of his stories. Please feel free to take my observations on as opportunities for improvement, the way I’m sure Goku himself would!

Enjoy your rewards!

ETA: You mentioned "Combat: Blades" among your skills used, but I think you meant "Unarmed". Also, I might have listed Discipline and Acrobatics.
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