[Andaris] Escape and Ensnarement

Basilisk

42nd of Ymiden 716

The capital city of the of Rynmere, here is seated the only King in Idalos.
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Basilisk Snek
Developer - Staff (TL)
Developer - Staff (TL)
Posts: 1742
Joined: Fri Oct 10, 2014 3:41 am
Race: Prophet
Renown: 10
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[Andaris] Escape and Ensnarement

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REVIEW
Knowledges

Labrae: Mortalborn
Labrae: Older than Rynmere
Labrae: Not a monster
Labrae: Wise beyond your years
Labrae: Can help with your problems

EXP

Story: 5/5
Collab: 5/5
Structure: 5/5

Commentary

This was fun to write and to read! I didn't notice any major problems, but there were a few places where it looked like you ended the sentence too soon. Nothing to deduct a point for, but the kind of thing you should know. This sentence was the one that jumped out at me the most:

She was right of course. If her intentions had been murderous, she would’ve struck long ago.

I'd suggest that for sentences like that, you do something like this:

She was right of course, if her intentions had been murderous, she would’ve struck long ago.

Anyway, hope you had as much fun as I did!
word count: 148
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