• PM To Join • With You I Find Myself (Bella)

[Virikai Talius]

Timestamp: 16th Trial of Saun, 718th Arc
Immediately after Patching Things Up

Other patients occupied the lordling’s mind over the next break or so, but there was always a small part of it focused on his fiancée. Not for the first time, he wished he was a more experienced user of Xypha, just so that he could keep constant telesthetic tabs on her wellbeing whilst tuning out the mental chatter of everyone else around him. Alas, he did not use Yvithia’s gifts on this trial, no matter how much he wanted to. It also took a significant amount of self-control not to return to check on her within only a few bits of leaving her. She would be fine, she was not moments from a massive internal haemorrhage of blood in her skull. And, even if she was, Virikai knew he would be summoned immediately to deal with that.

If it did happen, though… the young physician had no idea what he would do. He knew none of the other professionals in the Infirmary, on duty or otherwise, would be able to manage that either. Serious physical injury was not a high risk in Viden, and medical technology and knowledge, no matter how advanced, was just not capable of treating certain conditions. What would he do> Cut a hole in her head to relieve the pressure? Drain it out? It couldn’t be that simple.

That is what frightened him more than anything.

And he despised being in this position - of feeling so helpless and incapable of dealing with a situation. Immortals knew, the Talius scion prided himself on being the most knowledgeable person in most rooms he was in. Times like this, he realised he had so much more to learn, Yvithia help him. And worse, it was not just about the growing feeling of inadequacy, it was the fact that that feeling was intrinsically linked to Maebella Arval. What was she doing to him?

Deciding he had made a point of being an appropriately distanced professional, he left his final patient to return to the girl in question. It did not surprise him to find her still wide awake, though he was pleased to see she was at least lying down. Virikai’s eyebrow quirked upwards, “When I told you to rest and made you lie down, I had thought the implication was clear that I meant for you to sleep, darling.” Maybe this was a symptom? Maebella was normally quite good at inference, especially when Virikai believed in using as few words as possible and rarely explained himself. She had grown used to it over the past half arc.

The eyebrow fell into a frown, and Virikai leaned over the cot to quickly peer into her eyes again, checking whether they were equal and reactive with the most rudimentary method imaginable. They seemed to be responding normally still, so Virikai did not take the tests further again, lest he frighten his patient needlessly. “How are you feeling?”

[Maebella]

The young woman had thought that she'd be utterly unable to sleep after the unexpected and uncharacteristic emotional display from her fiancé. The man had given her so much to think about that Maebella hadn't thought that her brain would be able to stop, not even for a moment. However, given the ordeal she'd been through and all the thoughts rushing through her head, all the thinking was quite exhausting. Hence, she found herself drifting in and out of consciousness every so often, snatching a few bits here and there before she came back to awareness. Perhaps it was the activity of the Infirmary, the hustle and bustle that broke through her consciousness. Oh, she was certain that they weren't trying to be loud and that they were working as quietly as possible but the place was still strange to her, the sounds unfamiliar so that she couldn't entirely relax. It wasn't really her fault, especially given that during her waking moments, she had too much to keep her alert. It was all Virikai's fault, having emotions when she least expected.

When he made a reappearance, it was during one the Eídisi woman's waking moments and her state didn't seem to please him. She could only sigh. Well, it seemed that he'd reverted back to the same old Virikai. Whatever emotional vulnerability he'd displayed before had since been lost and forgotten but if it could appear once then in theory, it could occur again although she hadn't a notion how to trigger it. Getting a concussion every time she wanted him to emote didn't sound like a good way to go about things, hardly practical. Being reckless and risking death simply to get your boyfriend's attention was just plain dumb. Maebella was far too sensible to follow such a plan of action. She did hope that she didn't need to go to such extremes in the future just to elicit a response.

"Yes, Virikai, I know that's what you meant. I've been drifting in and out of sleep but I keep waking back up again. It's the Infirmary, it's strange to me and the noises... I think they just keep breaking through before I fall into a deep sleep," she explained, biting her lip as she debated pointing out his emotional moment as a factor in her wakeful state. It wasn't as if he'd failed to notice his own emotional moment... unless he somehow hadn't. That made the girl pause, giving her something unexpected to think about. If he wasn't used to those sorts of feelings then perhaps he hadn't really realised or understood it. As if it had been a little blip, a little hiccup that could just be ignored, glossed over like it was nothing.

Surely it wasn't that way for him though, was it?

She reached up a hand to brush her hair back, gingerly touching her temple as she did so. She grimaced a little but shrugged. "My head still hurts a little bit. Obviously it hurts more to the touch and when I do that, I can tell that there's a throb under the surface so my head does hurt but the medicine I was given for the pain seems to be masking it. The cold compress seems to have brought down the swelling a bit."

She smiled a little sheepishly, chuckling softly. "I feel like I'm trying to do your job for you. As a simple answer, I feel all right. A little tired but all right," she told him. Knowing that she'd likely have to sit through another examination so she settled herself down patiently, certain that he wouldn't be satisfied with her word alone. Even though she had to keep still and be cooperative, it didn't mean that her tongue had to remain still.

"Kai, can I talk to you about earlier? Before you went left me to continue with your duties. You were... well, you weren't yourself, Kai, and I think you knew it," the student murmured, her expression serious but with a slight smile gracing her lips. She reached out hesitantly to let her fingers brush across the back of his hand, a timid gesture of affection, of attempted connection. She swallowed, strangely nervous in this new territory. "It wasn't a bad thing although I think... it might have scared you as much as I did."

Her clouded eyes watched him attentively, chewing her lip as she watched him expectantly, hopefully. Honestly, she didn't really know how to broach the subject of feelings with him and she had a funny feeling that he might simply sedate her rather than trying to deal with her awkward attempt at this sort of conversation. It would only be a temporary avoidance, of course, but she wasn't sure that would stop him. He'd find a way to justify it. Maebella knew what he was like: annoying.
//

[Virikai Talius]

“Shh, Bella, calm down,” the lordling murmured, alarmed at the long-winded excuse she provided, so alike a child caught with her hand in the cookie jar. “If you were having trouble sleeping, you should have asked for me. I will get you a sedative.” Listening to Maebella’s description of her symptoms, Virikai was assured that allowing her a proper sleep would only improve symptoms, rather than exacerbate them,.“I’ll be right back, sweetheart,” he squeezed the hand she had placed on his before departing to pick out what he needed - something light, she didn’t need to be comatose.

Returning, he smiled softly and nudged her legs so that he could - in a completely uncharacteristic move - sit on the edge of the bed, medicine in hand. “I hope not,” the physician chuckled, “I enjoy taking care of you, in any way I can. But I am glad you’re feeling better.” About to lift the medicine, his hand was stayed by Maebella’s next words.

His mind was stayed too, and the silence dragged on. For a trill, Virikai debated giving her the medication just to avoid this conversation. There was a time and a place and this sure as Treid was good wasn’t it. But no, he couldn’t do that. That was a new level of weakness he refused to stoop to, to retreat would be a disaster, an inlet for the enemy to surge forward, though what defences remained. And would only be cause for Maebella to lose absolute trust in him. The truth was, he didn't know how to talk about this, or what to say.

“I was already on a very short fuse. I had no idea I would react in the way I did. I believe what happened to me was the cumulative affect of a number things, both internal and external, you appearing here being the touchstone event.” No. That wasn’t right. Well, it was right, but it wasn’t fair. They were beyond hollow words now; he owed her more than that.

Nothing in his face had ever bettered fear in the past: he had never felt it, so his face constantly remained a mask of defiant and surety. It was why he was so good at all he did. A mere break earlier, fear had travelled though Virikai’s veins, and it had caused his facial muscles to lose their stoic control. The fear needed an out, after all, but it did not escape until there was no one left to see it but Maebella. The time passing had given Virikai trim to rationalise this irrational moment. An unpredictable experience is what caused it, a surge of adrenaline, and the risk of becoming faster in one’s reactions, less accurate.

There was nothing good about what Virikai had experienced, and here Maebella was saying that it wasn’t bad. He strongly disagreed with her assessment. “You are…” Virikai swallowed his doubts and misgivings, his two words hanging in the air as he struggled to find his next word in a cluttered mess of concepts in his mind. Finally, he managed to find something that came close to his perception of Maebella. “…irreplaceable, Bella. To me.” Virikai had told her before that he had never lied to her, and it was true. Here and now, nothing could be more sincere.

He was drawn to her, like a moth to a flame.

It was not a concept that can be articulated. It was just there. Like the existence of gravity. Of pain. Of the sun. “To see your name written on a list of newly admitted patients, to know what you are like, and where you were today…” the young heir shook his head. Virikai rarely thought about death but, this trial, he did. Just because something is common, does not mean it could be considered to be trivial. Death is the most common thing in existence and the only thing every creature in existence shares. Yet… now he thought about it, he could hardly call it trivial when everyone’s lives were ruled by it, its impacts, and their fear of it. “I don’t ever want to feel that way -” whatever that way was “- again.”

[Maebella]

Her lips puckered, a definite sour note in her expression as she glared at the young man. Every time she spoke up for herself, excused herself, he had to assume that she was somehow not calm. Always telling her to calm down as if she was overwrought merely because she was quick to explain herself. Why wouldn't she be? If she'd said nothing, he would have simply been disapproving, disappointed in her as if it was somehow her fault and there were no other factors involved. For a scientific man, his view could sometimes be quite narrow, wilfully so. If he didn't want to consider something, he simply did not. Her gaze blazed for a moment, the young woman on the cusp of showing him what she was truly like when she wasn't calm but she let the emotion die, her shoulders slumping a little, an exasperated and weary sigh issuing from her lips.

"Yes, Kai, of course. I'm sorry. I'm calm now, I assure you."

This was neither the time nor the place for an argument, especially when this was not about her. Well, it was about her - she was the cause of these newfound emotions in her fiancé afterwards - but she wasn't the one who deserved the focus right not; her concussion was mild in any case. Although if she had tried to argue, he probably would have forced sedation on her for 'her own good'. He fetched a sedative anyway but at least by allowing herself to go along quietly, she'd bought herself a few bits to try to have a much needed conversation with him. No matter the cost to herself, whether to her pride or her spirit, she had to make sure that that tête-à-tête happened. She was certainly optimistic when he perched on the side of the bed though, his professional bedside manner punctured.

Her words stilled his hand, the physician pausing instead of administering the sedative as the two of them gazed at each other, her meaning slowly sinking in for him. Her gaze darted to the medicine that he held, wondering if he would just give it to her and walk away as an avoidance tactic. She wasn't sure if it was his own internal thought processes or her plaintive expression that stopped him but sleep wasn't thrust upon her. Instead, he came out with something that she could term as nothing other than an excuse.

A short, humourless laugh escaped her. "Oh Virikai. I thought I was the one who tries to excuse away behaviour?" she questioned softly, a knowing expression in her gaze. It was avoidance, a way to explain it away, almost apologise for it as an inconvenient bit of behaviour that wouldn't be repeated. It was too simple and maybe she was wrong, but she seemed to see in his eyes that he thought it too. When he next spoke, she felt that more was being teased out, something more heartfelt, which coming from the Talius scion was obviously difficult. Her hand rested very lightly on his knee, worried that he might brush her off but feeling that the contact had to be tried all the same. It was a connection and he might not know it but if he was dealing with emotions then he might well appreciate it.

"Kai, listen to me. Really listen to me. I know. I- Emotions are awful, uncontrollable. You can feel like you're drowning or you can feel like you're falling, unable to do anything to slow your descent, no guarantee of safety. I know. You... you don't or... you didn't. This is what it's like," she whispered, breath sighing out as she shook her head. "It's not always like this but sometimes it can be bad, heartbreaking. Do you understand that now? The heartbreak? Someone doesn't have to be in danger for you to feel it. Sometimes, you just need to feel rejected, unwanted... useless."

The young woman glanced away, feeling the ghost of those raw emotions anew. Would he connect her words to those times in the past when she had stared at him with the image of her own heart shattering locked in her gaze? How often had she felt that he didn't want her? She'd been terrified, ashamed and heartbroken when Caius had reappeared, dragging inconvenient feelings behind him, leaving her torn and hating herself for feeling that way? No, he probably wouldn't understand the depth of emotions she typically found herself drowning in. He'd merely experienced a snippet of emotion and it had been quite a bad jolt, perhaps one of the worst. There were worse emotions out there but she couldn't blame him for never wanting to feel it again, anything ever again.

Her gaze found his face again, hand moving to brush his jawline with two knuckles as she smiled gently, a mix of happiness and sadness. "They're bittersweet. Sometimes you experience them so intensely, so awfully that you never want to feel again and others... well, you never want them to end," Maebella whispered. She chuckled softly, a self-conscious blush darkening the blue in her cheeks. "I'm sorry, I must sound so whimsical to you. Perhaps I have a poetic soul."
//

[Virikai Talius]

In the true style that only Maebella could achieve, her verbose way of teaching Virikai left him with more confusion and questions than he had had when this conversation began. It was obvious that the girl was excited at the prospect of this relationship taking on a more emotional element. Or… more precisely, that Kai was experiencing an epiphany of sorts with regard to his future wife. He knew Bella thought there was something missing, that Kai did not love her.

She wasn’t wrong, though. He didn’t love her. Did he?

“Poetic indeed…” the raven-haired boy muttered, smiling in equal amounts of endearment and frustration - as he so often did - at his fiancée. He supposed the pure and simple truth of the matter was that his feelings for Maebella Arval, whatever they were defined as, her unique to her. He had not felt this way about another before. He cared for her like he did family, but it went beyond that. Though he certainly could not say he felt all Maebella was describing. It seemed, in a way, that she was vocalising her own feelings.

Resting his own hand upon hers for a moment, he pulled it away from his cheek and held it tightly in his grasp. “You are not now, nor have you ever been, useless to me, Bella. You are so desperately wanted, I would keep you buy my side for every waking break or every trial.” The smile disappeared, “This isn’t the first time we have had this conversation, and I doubt it will be the last, but I am not going to toss you aside. I have pledged myself to you, for better or for worse.”

Maebella looked at him as if she didn’t know, didn’t understand, that Virikai would move the stars for her, should she ask. “I had always thought there was no higher calling than that which could be found in the Academy. But then you came into my world and showed me how wrong I was. You showed me colour and life and possibility and in the best of ways, my life was never the same again.”

“What you seem to be forgetting is that it is not you and me against each other, it is us against everyone else. Maybe one trial you’ll learn to trust me.” Making a quick decision, Virikai pushed himself off the bed and held out his hands to the younger eídisi. “Come on, I’m taking you home.”

[Maebella]

There was a definite pause after her words and she wondered if she'd muddied the waters further instead of clearing them. The young woman did have an awful tendency of spewing words and far more of them than was strictly necessary. Perhaps it was a quirk of how she'd grown up, exposed as she was from childhood to literature, which was so full of superfluous and often fanciful description. People tended to be far more to the point, especially in this city and her own race in particular. She didn't tend to get to the point of things very well. Instead, she was more likely to circle the point and then go off on some confusing tangent. She could only smile a little sheepishly as she gave him time to process and make sense of what actually mattered and what didn't.

However, the conclusion that the feeling of uselessness was entirely tied up in him made her sigh, her tongue quick to flick out a retort.

"Kai, not all of my negative feelings have to do with you," she blurted out, mouth twisting as she realised how bad that sounded now that it was out in the wild. "Oh dear, that didn't come out the way I intended. I just meant that you aren't the only one who's ever made me feel in a negative way. I'd experienced the feeling of uselessness many times before I ever met you. I wasn't saying that you made me feel useless, I was just... giving an example, love."

The term of endearment felt... strange and unfamiliar, seeming to leave a peculiar physical sensation behind on her tongue as if it had literally sprung from it. The blue of her cheeks darkened, the young woman's brain working quickly as she tried to determine whether to attempt taking it back or simply ignoring it and pretending that it had never been said. Better to ignore it rather than drawing more attention to it. Mind you, she wasn't sure how much of her silly tangle of words had gotten through to him as the young man seemed to be following his own train of thought, choosing to get words off his chest that made her forget about such a trivial thing as whether to use an endearment to refer to him or not.

In fact, his words were surprisingly... emotional or at least emotive. Funny really that he had always been good at pulling at heartstrings and finding the right thing to say when he seemed to have so recently discovered much of the palette of mortal emotions. Maebella bit her lip hard as an uncontrollable tremble began in it, something seeming to wobble inside her as she tried to deal with this rather unexpected sentiment. Was he really saying that she'd altered him so much? That his world view had been massively changed by her presence? Did he really consider her so wonderful?

But this was Kai. He didn't say things like this, not in the normal run of things so he must only be saying them now because he really meant them. And that was a lot for his fiancée to take in when she'd previously felt so unloved, so cut-off from any hope of warm emotion from him. She could feel the foolish prickle of tears and she shut her eyelids against them, breathing deeply as she asserted some control over herself. Maebella was getting better at it. It was no sure thing and she wouldn't be able to trust herself to speak for a few bits but she could stop herself from crying at least. Yes, those looking might notice the wooden quality to her features, the new tenseness in her jaw that tried to hide the tremor there but there were no tears and a rapid blink made the shimmer go away when they threatened.

If he was expecting conversation from her or some sort of protest for leaving this place then he wasn't going to get it. Sure, he was still meant to be working in the Infirmary but she didn't want to stay here and she was selfishly glad that he was choosing her over his duty to the city. Hadn't he already done that by choosing her? Well, of course, he certainly wasn't doing his duty in the way his family had intended. Marry and have heirs but with a high-born girl, one with the correct manner and breeding for this rung of society. The lordling had managed to choose a different sort of bride than had been intended and while they weren't married yet, it did seem inevitable. She didn't mind that. She was a little worried about the heirs bit but she didn't want to bring that up with him yet; he might take that as a sign that she had grievous doubts.

So he had already chosen her above duty, had already done a great deal to be with her and yet she was still glad for this comparatively small thing. She could feel that this was entirely for her, for them and didn't have to do with any sort of rebellion against his family. She'd allow herself to be led, reaching for his arm for support. There might have been a little bit of a deceptive motive behind it, providing the appearance that she needed him now and that his reasons for leaving the Infirmary were good ones. Of course, she didn't feel quite right yet so it wasn't pure deception, a definite unsteadiness to her equilibrium but she wasn't quite as helpless as she tried to appear.

When they got outside and she felt that she had sufficient control over herself, she leaned her head in close to his to murmur, "Thank you." There was no treacherous crack or unnatural pitch to her voice and for that she was grateful. If Kai understood the efforts that she was going to for the sake of appearances, she suspected that he'd be pleased. "You don't intend to stay with me for long, do you? You still have time to do and I wouldn't want your reputation to be damaged on my account," she pointed out, a sly smile curving her lips at the last. Oh no because his reputation definitely hadn't been affected by her before this...
//