15th Vhalar, 721
Tei'serin hesitated at the bottom of the ramp that led up to the Olọravu Slosneppe. After learning that they had a psychologist working for them, Tei'serin had made an appointment to see him. One that she had very mixed feelings about.
She knew that she needed help. If she were to admit it to herself, she had needed it for arcs. But she had always managed to get by without it, and she told herself that that was enough. It wasn't as though she couldn't function, after all. She had her work as a healer...but that was all she had when it came down to it. And even that could be taken away from her with a letter should Thorin see fit to do so. Tei'serin knew that she wouldn't be able to dare continue her work as a healer if Thorin were to write and tell her that she couldn't. Were she to defy him in that way, he would find out, and the punishment for defying him would be horrible. Thorin hated even the slightest hint of defiance.
Her family was with Thorin, and until she had told Rue about him, she had no support in dealing with the constant fear she lived with because of him. She hadn't even seen the man in arcs, but he had complete power over her every move because just the thought of what he would do if she were to do something paralyzed her with fear.
Rue had insisted that she see someone to help her overcome the trauma that Thorin had caused her. Was still causing her. And she had been so insistent on it that she decided that Tei'serin would not be allowed to work anymore until she had recovered from her trauma. Tei'serin was just glad that Rue hadn't decided that it was necessary to keep Tei'serin as an inpatient until she had worked through her trauma. Yet, at least.
But she knew that that would change if Tei'serin didn't seek help in dealing with her trauma. Even without that hanging over her head, Tei'serin wanted to overcome it if she could. She couldn't even remember a time when she wasn't afraid of Thorin and his rage. Or the punishments he could come up with when it suited him. A life without fear of being punished...was it possible? What would it be like? Would such a life put her on the path to becoming stronger? Was that what Moseke meant when she had told her to get stronger? Was that what Vindecaldra had meant about forging herself in fire and strength? It did seem like it was what she had meant when she told her to take her life back from those who had paralyzed her. Thorin had paralyzed her, after all.
Tei'serin wanted help to deal with the trauma she had suffered. She needed it. And yet...she was ashamed. She was the one who could not fight back against Thorin. She was the one who had given him power over him. Tei'serin knew that the person she saw to help her deal with her trauma would never speak of it to others. But her coworkers would know that she had been traumatized. That she was weak. How could they not when she wouldn't be allowed to work again until she had dealt with her trauma and recovered from it? What would they think about her weakness? What would the healer who was assigned to help her deal with her trauma think of her for allowing it to happen? Would she still be able to face working with them knowing what they must think of her?
It was that reason that made her seek aid outside the Order. But there was a problem with that decision. The psychologist who worked at the Olọravu Slosneppe was a man...and Tei'serin did not trust men. Certainly not enough to expose her weaknesses to them. Thorin was a man. And while that in itself might not be a good reason to fear all men, men had been the source of a great deal of pain for her over the course of the arcs since she had reached adulthood.
Tei'serin knew that if she were not able to trust the psychologist who was trying to help her, all attempts at working through her trauma would fail. Would she be able to trust this man enough to let him help her? Tei'serin just didn't know. Hence the problem.