• Memory • The Rupturing - Part 2

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Thu Sep 01, 2016 10:49 pm

Ashain 110th, 716 - Late Night

...Continued from The Rupturing - Part 1

"Very well then, please kneel..." said Y'gel, the Sorceror, Vera's mentor within the Seekers.

Vera pulled up her lower garments and lowered herself to her knees, sitting upon them. It reminded her of her first initiation ... it was uncomfortable, but the unusual feelings it presented were far less alien. She looked up at Y'gel as he circled her ominously, as if judging her, something within his mind nagging at him.

"It is no easy choice to initiate another, Vera. To create a new Spark for another, you must split apart your own once it has grown large enough to survive the process. I'm confident mine has, but this also means I will not be able to impart this gift upon one of my Neophytes until I have grown more proficient in the art ... will you respect this gift, as you have done with Mirage?" he asked, but continued before Vera could respond. "Will you be safe, but studious? You will not use it for destructive purposes that would stain my reputation, will you promise me that?"

Vera shut her eyes and inhaled deeply, opening them as she exhaled. "I promise to you, Y'gel, that I will not abuse the power you give me," she said, looking him in the eye. "I am ready, and I will treat this Discipline with the same level of caution as I have Mirage ... you know that, Y'gel. that I fear magic more than most."

Y'gel paused in front of her, raising his hands in the air above his head and clenching his fists, pumping at the heavens. "Ahh! My darling little Acolyte, you make this old mage youthful again." He leaned down, stepping closer as both of his hands surrounded either side of her head, which was uncomfortably close to the groin of the man ... she wondered if initiations were always this way, or if there was simply a perversion taking place that she was oblivious to. Still, Y'gel's words rang clear; "Fear ... fear is good, keep it with you always so long as it does not rule you."

She shut her eyes as a cool, icy chill began to spread through her body. Y'gel's words rang through her mind; "As a warning ... this is going to be unsettling."

"Get on with it-" Vera snapped, the emotions of suspense hardly ones that she enjoyed.

"...this is very important, you must observe, feel, and study your surroundings in your brief time there or you will be lost forever. Your conscious will become projected into space, where it will move freely ... your task is to return to your physical body. It may be tempting, but do not tarry - I cannot hold you there for longer than a brief period of time, do you understand?" he asked, seriousness wafting from his voice.

"Find my physical form ... with my projected mind. I understand ... and if you have managed this, I feel as if I should easily." She smiles suddenly, mentally preparing herself despite the sense of danger creeping through her. She paid close attention, but this experience was scathing against her nerves ... and those chills made her shiver physically against Y'gel's touch. What was he doing to her, exactly?

"Then we shall commence..." Y'gel said, continuously drawing the Ether against Vera's physical form. "I am using my connection with the Ether to draw it to you, against your skin... and then I shall 'Blink' the energy into you. Once that happens, our energy will meld and we will slide together out into the universe ... I shall be with you, but I can only observe and concentrate on the ritual. Use the Ether as your guide, focus on the memory of locations to draw yourself to them. Use it to distinguish between matter, and energy ... understand!"

"Here it comes," Y'gel growled as his hands tightened around her head more harshly, her hair getting tugged slightly as the man thrust Ether into her body, that cold chill diving into her insides and making her body numb, but also bristling ... it felt, in a way, electric. Tingles went across her skin as that sensation spread to her mind, vision darkening as it began to split apart into two distinct sets of perception ... nothingness taking up half, the other her body which began to grow as faint as a whisper.

And soon, she had become little save for her thoughts. Her consciousness reached out and pushed at that inky blackness, and the faintest glimmer of a light soon appeared. She concentrated on it, and the vastness of existence suddenly filled what little she could perceive - everything, the belts of stars around galaxies, drifting in closer ... the pull of something massive at the center, black and white, ominous as if a Great Rupture impossible in scope dominated everything and sucked it inside. It filled her with a sense of unimaginable horror at being so close to such an event, and she pulled away.

The fringes of her consciousness told her that Y'gel was nearby somewhere ... she could ... feel him? Alongside her? Was he seeing what she saw, even as she pulled herself through the Ether as if by clawing at it. She soon realized that she could perceive infinitesimal sums of matter and energy, and explored them freely by pulling on that ethereal rope. Drawing from that, she soon adapted the signature of her office within the Infirmary and the two mages were now gazing down at her desk, stacked with papers.

The scene shifted once more as Vera's control and understanding grew, feeling an intense closeness between Y'gel and herself ... the projection was starting to vibrate, flicker, and ... leak Ether. She had to return! Concentrating on her own material, she was suddenly back inside her body, consciousness melding with familiar feelings gradually as her consciousness congealed into a body it had left.

She could feel Y'gel there at her side ... he gasped and staggered, falling forward and stepping to the side of Vera, crumpling to hands and knees. He breathed ragged breaths, just as Vera took her first - also gasping, louder with a slight whimper to it. Her body had fallen to the floor, shocking, ice-cold sensations coursing through her ... a new, almost muscle-like understanding available to her despite the shaking she endured. "Y-Y'gel..." she stuttered out as her teeth chattered. "D-did I succeed?"

Y'gel put a hand on his forehead, groaning from some intense loss. "Yes, Vera ... I believe so. The cold will subside, give it time..." his words were quiet, even as he leaned on his palms, still as his mind pulsed. "Consider yourself a Rupturer, Vera..." He extended a hand over to Vera and grabbed her by the underside of her shoulder, lifting her to her feet at he rose. Her legs wobbled, but he threw her arm over him and leaned down slightly, hobbling with her in the direction of the dormitories. "Let's both get some rest..."

It took a great amount of will to move her muscle through that icy fog within, but she could feel warmth returning slowly as they walked, an instinctive feel for the space around her growing to something beyond regular perception. That Spark within her, that power that infected her, the gift from her mentor ... her new tool.

Another young man rushed over to support the two of them, some Neophyte, kind but nameless. He helped both Sorcerer and Acolyte into warm beds and left them to drift off to Emea. Vera lasted for a good deal longer, mind awake as she flexed her fingers and stretched out her mind, feeling as if she could just tug herself forward - but she held back, instead falling into a deep thought that pieced apart the events of the day.

A whole new world had opened to the Webspinner when she was able to pull her mind away from the mysteries she had seen during her Initiation ... she knew of Mirage, now she knew of so much ... more. It was intoxicating, and it left her wondering what she would learn next. 'Fractures', the Ether, 'Wells', so much variety, so much possibility. Shutting her eyes, she began to think of Labrae, of Sintra ... her role in the Webspinners. Such abilities would be useful to her family, yes? Of course ... Labrae would be proud of me ... I hope. Sintra's love for me is enough to match if our bond ... if our bond... hmm?

Vera realized that she had some sort of innate sense as to the position of Y'gel's body in space ... it wasn't exact, but her consciousness was drawn to him. What was this? Why, with her eyes clothes, did she instinctively know his position in a bunk-bed nearby? It was a question she thought to ask him, the thought of having someone else perceive where she was unnerved her greatly.

The exhaustion finally took hold of her mind, gripping it and pinching inward, as if squeezing. That darkness soon subsided into the realm of dreaming, slowly, driven by lack of resistance. Tonight, it ends ... and continues to another day.
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Sun Sep 11, 2016 10:21 pm


Y'gel: Worried you will abuse magic
Rapturing: Projecting your consciousness into space and returning to your physical form
Ether: Drawing ether towards your skin
Endurance: The effects of overstepping

Loot: n/a
Injuries: Too fatigued to use magic for the next two days.
Fame: -2 an act of magic

Story: 2/5
No intro
Confusing start
Difficult to read due to structure.
Ending dragged on (purple prose).
Collaboration: 0/5
Structure: 3/5
Random full stops: I have Mirage ... you know that, Y'gel. that I fear magic more than most."
Overuse of ellipses: x 37.
Lacking some punctuation marks.

Comment: This story was very confusing at the beginning; I didn’t understand who anyone was or what was going on. Because I haven’t seen the start of the story, it’s like picking up on page four and reading for the sake of reading. Part of a writer’s job is making sure they write something that engages the reader, and for me, the total-disconnect and lack of setting made that impossible. I couldn’t relate to the NPCs or invest any emotion in Vera. Make sure each solo you write is a story in itself, set the scene, introduce characters, and leave a couple of plot breadcrumbs. You can’t expect people to read backwards.

The three little innocent-looking dots of an ellipsis (…) probably carry more power to annoy and confuse your readers than any other punctuation mark. Trailing off in the middle of sentences… Trailing off for no reason… Implying you have more to say when you haven’t… You get my point.
A N D I T' S A L L J U S T S M A L L S T U F F, B A B Y.
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