[Player Feedback] Doran

A section for players to give reviews and feedback on other users' and their writing style. This can be in the form of praise or constructive criticism.
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Doran
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[Player Feedback] Doran

Thu Feb 02, 2017 8:23 pm

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I have been on ST for a while now and have finally decided to make a thread in this forum.

Any kind of criticism, no matter if it concerns my characters or my writing style, is welcome as long as it’s constructive.

Post as much or as little as you want to!

These are the characters that I currently write:


Doran
Tristan

Thank you in advance for your feedback!




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Vluharqih
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[Player Feedback] Doran

Fri Feb 03, 2017 4:07 am

So this review is for Tristan. I've written with you several times, and I've graded several more of your posts.

So since most of the point of this thread is for things for you to work on, I'll focus on that. I think, seeing as both of your PCs have now earned PC of the month, it's obvious that you write well. I don't need to inflate the ego any more :P

1. You enjoy exclamation marks. A lot. I was told once that exclamation marks should be used sparingly- if what you're saying doesn't give off the vibe that it would be exclaimed, the exclamation point is mediocre.

I don't think I agree with the second part, but I definitely agree with the first. Tristan, as a PC, is exuberant and energetic. I like how you write that, especially the internal dialogue, but sometimes I find that it comes across as excessive.
Tristan wrote:The young woman that stood outside and smiled at him looked quite pretty in his opinion, but she was so short! She was probably at least as short as Faith!
I noticed it only happens when he is involved with other people- up until this point, there is no notice of the exclamation marks.

2. One thing I would LOVE to see in your writing is more semi-colons. There are many places where you could use one, but instead you use a comma. It's not a huge deal, but in my opinion it's something that could be done to improve it. When I was reviewing your threads I came acrossa time or two you didn't use them, but for some reason I wasn't able to find them upon going back. I'm sure I'll find them again at some point later...

3. Maybe it's just from what I've seen, but I would like to see more action from Tristan. I've been told that three things make up a good RP post- action, thought and scene/ background/other player description. You usually do a good job on the other two, but I find that Tristan does things like describing his facial reaction or describe a movement that the partner might be able to reply to play off, but not as often as I might like. Again, like most things this is a personal feeling. It's really up to the RPer.

4. Just as a last note- Legendary Sculpting! Dammit, act like it! :P I know Tristan THINKS like that, but I'd like to see him speaking about how impossibly amazing his sculpting is. People should be disbelieving when they first see his work, that the statues he makes aren't in fact actual people turned to stone. Tristan should be immortalized for his skill, and I'd like to see how that plays out.

So as I mentioned, those are mostly personal things, but I figured I'd take a shot at you!

Keep up the good work!
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Avrae Kyric
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[Player Feedback] Doran

Tue Feb 07, 2017 9:55 am

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Hello Doran! <3 So for this review I focused on three of your threads:

For Tristan: Tristan Learns to Cook! & Thumb, Thumber, Thumbest
For Doran: Bone of the Father

I will say that I'm going to be honest, as any good reviewer will. I hope you can take some criticism. <3 I doubt I'll have much, but I mean it in the best way if I do. I'm sorry it took so long, but well- you can see why!

The Negative

Doran - ...I couldn’t find a single thing wrong. Admittedly, I only read one thread and it was a solo, but I literally found nothing. I think most of the mistakes I found on Tristan could be just from getting into the writing and inheriting Tristan’s excitement- which makes it easy to make slight mistakes. Doran, on the other hand, had a very laid back style of writing. You took your time, you clearly thought this thread through, and I found nothing negative about it. Well done!

Tristan - To be very honest, I found very little wrong with how you write Tristan. I would disagree with Vlu on the exclamation marks, personally, because I feel like it fits Tristan. He is a very energetic person, to the point of acting like a kid at times. I can totally imagine him stomping his foot or beginning to bounce up and down. But here’s a few things I did notice:

Commas- I noticed sometimes that you miss them. Personally I think sometimes that people who rp energetic characters can get energized themselves while writing, and their writing feels very rushed a result. Sometimes it feels like Tristan forgets to take a breath in between what you’re writing for him- therefore you as a writer are forgetting to take a breath. XD Just make sure not to get so wrapped up that you forget to take your time. Some examples of when you’ve done this:

Yours: “He gave her his brightest, most charming and innocent smile even though he wasn’t at all sure if it would have any effect on her.”
Corrected: “He gave her his brightest, most charming, and most innocent smile even though he wasn’t at all sure if it would have any effect on her.”

Yours: ““Lady One-Eye”, he greeted her because he didn’t know her real name and slid onto the chair opposite of her, smiling brightly as he did so.”
Corrected: ““Lady One-Eye”, he greeted her, because (I would also have gone with “as” or “since” instead of because) he didn’t know her real name, and slid onto the chair opposite of her, smiling brightly as he did so.”

Yours: “In fact she looked like the opposite of that.”
Corrected: “In fact, she looked like the opposite of that.”

Starting Sentences With And- I’m a total hippocrit for being this up, as I do it myself. I constantly start sentences with But and And. However, it’s something a writer shouldn’t do. I try not to in roleplay, though I constantly do anyway, especially in personal writing. For example, you wrote:

“And then she started talking about clipping Faith’s wings.”

To correct this, perhaps word it as:

“Then she started talking about clipping Faith’s wings.”

Or

“That was when she started talking about clipping Faith’s wings.”

More Emotion In Dialogue- This is just an opinion of mine. But I notice that you don’t always describe the tone of Tristan’s words. I’m a very straightforward writer, I like it all out there. Sometimes it’s hard to tell how Tristan is feeling because you show more than tell- but sometimes it’s hard to tell from just showing. I know he’s excitable, and your love of exclamation marks show that. But for example:

Yours: “He was trying to protect me?“ Tristan asked. “That was nice of him.”

My Way: “He was trying to protect me?“ Tristan asked, surprise filling his features. “That was nice of him.”

OR

“He was trying to protect me?“ Tristan asked, pleasantly surprised. “That was nice of him.”

OR

“He was trying to protect me?“ Tristan asked, sounding surprised, quirking an eyebrow. “That was nice of him.”

OR

“He was trying to protect me?“ Tristan asked, eyes widening a fraction as he was unable to keep his surprise out of his voice. “That was nice of him.”

However, this is very much my writing style, so feel free to disregard this. Even just giving a “...” before or after some dialogue to show hesitance could change the emotion of a sentence.

However, these are literally the only negatives for Tristan and how you write him.

The Positive

Doran - This would just be a bunch of compliments, really. I could list this entire thread as a positive. But I will note one thing:

Staying in Character- You excel at this. I will note that you do this for Tristan, too. But despite two very different characters, I cannot note a single thing that goes back to you outside of the writing style. You rp them both differently- to fit their character as you wrote them. Their thought process, their emotional awareness, their views on the world: all unique. All them. I have never found two characters with so little bias to their write. I wish I was better at this myself.

Tristan - You are a brilliant writer, Tristan. Truly, truly brilliant, I can not stress that enough. I found so many positive things, and here are a few:

Correct Placement- When you write dialogue, you do it better than most. It feels like something I’ve read out of an english class because it is truly perfect. For example:


“As for how we found you, I don’t know”, he admitted. “You have to ask her.

^^ You have commas after the quotation to show a continuing sentence, pausing it at just the right moment, yet you know to put the period before the comma. I’ve seen writers be wrong on both accounts, and even I am guilty of the commas sometimes. To see how perfectly you do this, in each and every post, is great.

Perfectly Worded- You have no trouble speaking (or rather, writing). Your intent with Tristan is clear, his actions direct. Your grammar is good for the most part, and the vocabulary you use is splendid. You write smoothly, it’s never hard to understand what you are trying to convey.

Fun!- Tristan is fun. You write him in a joyful way, even when things aren’t so joyful. His bouts of excitement and the care in which he acts when around people he likes are very clear. You make him funny, and relatable, and I can honestly say this is why he is one of the best PCs to read in all of Idalos.

Levels to His Love- You portray the level of his relationships very well, doing the subtle shift in character when he’s with a stranger vs. when he’s with an enemy vs. when he’s with someone he loves (like Faith) in a flawless manner. This is a very difficult thing, and even I struggle with it. My characters trust and love too fast- but with Tristan, you can feel the gradual way his views are affected, his comfort level slowly changing. It’s a great thing to witness.
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Lei'lira
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[Player Feedback] Doran

Tue Feb 21, 2017 5:04 am

Doran is a fascinating character. I haven't had the chance to read many of your threads, but I am participating in the world event as Lei'lira. The post where Doran attacked Xiur was truly amazing. I never would have imagined anyone attacking one of the good Immortals like that. And the reasoning behind that action made perfect sense from what (admittedly little) I know of Doran's history. I am looking forward to seeing what he does next. :)
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[Player Feedback] Doran

Thu Feb 23, 2017 7:18 pm

So, I'm going to say before I begin that I am entirely unqualified to "judge" or "critique" anyone's writing. However, I feel much more qualified to discuss your writing with you than I do with almost anyone else on ST as we've written together a lot, you and I, and continue to do so albeit not as much as I would like.

If it all becomes TL;DR then my summary is that you are an amazing, thoughtful and entirely honest writer and it is a privilege to write with you.

1. Exclamation marks: Yes, Tristan uses them a lot, it is a device. Doran does not. Even when you're on chat you use exclamation marks more when you're logged on as Tristan than you do when you are as Doran. They fit entirely with how you use them for the pc you use them for. My opinion only, don't change a thing.

2. Legendary Sculpting: And now here, I must most respectfully disagree with Vluh. Tristan is an entirely and exquisitely complicated pc. He doesn't realise just how good he is. He was so very proud that his slave was the "best cook in Rynmere" but he didn't see his own talent. I love that about it ~ it's so very human.

3. Emotions in Writing: I'd like to pick up on what Avrae is saying. I find it really interesting because I think that Tristan is one of the most emotional pc's I've written with. I've had the pleasure of writing alonside Tristan as happy, sad, afraid and angry and that emotion is completely there for me. It isn't described explicitly, but it feels to me like that's because those who don't know him wouldn't see it. It's like ~ you have to thread with him a lot to know him and that's great. He doesn't wear his heart on his sleeve, for all that he seems to. He isn't a simplistic chap, for all that he seems to be. He is an incredibly complex, emotional being, for all that he seems that he might not be.

Some of the most enjoyable threads I've had the pleasure of participating in on ST have been with Tristan. I miss writing with him as much as I used to. I'm delighted to be writing with Doran just a little and to find that he's as complex, well written and fascinating in an entirely different way.

Long story short? You're a pleasure to write with and you write beautifully.
""Every evil has its good, and every ill an antidote."

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[Player Feedback] Doran

Wed Mar 01, 2017 7:55 pm

I'm going to give one to Doran, too, since I've had the pleasure of writing with him on two occasions!

Frankly, I think Doran's character is written excellently. He is classy, and poised, befitting of his age and his race - he carries a pride and a furor about him that makes him seem almost noble. He plays well to his age, experience level and stature, while still maintaining the necessary ambitions and goals to be a successful character. He has strong dreams inspired by this pride and old age, and in my opinion, does play exactly how I'd imagine a demi-immortal.

If I had anything I'd like to see more in Doran's character, it would be strongly impassioned moments, as I think those would be awesome to read. This is something made available to him moreso by Sesser, and I think it would be a pleasure to all the characters orbiting him.

Bottom-line though, keep going! You're great.
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