Hello Doran! <3 So for this review I focused on three of your threads:
For Tristan: Tristan Learns to Cook! & Thumb, Thumber, Thumbest
For Doran: Bone of the Father
I will say that I'm going to be honest, as any good reviewer will. I hope you can take some criticism. <3 I doubt I'll have much, but I mean it in the best way if I do. I'm sorry it took so long, but well- you can see why!
Doran - ...I couldn’t find a single thing wrong. Admittedly, I only read one thread and it was a solo, but I literally found nothing. I think most of the mistakes I found on Tristan could be just from getting into the writing and inheriting Tristan’s excitement- which makes it easy to make slight mistakes. Doran, on the other hand, had a very laid back style of writing. You took your time, you clearly thought this thread through, and I found nothing negative about it. Well done!
Tristan - To be very honest, I found very little wrong with how you write Tristan. I would disagree with Vlu on the exclamation marks, personally, because I feel like it fits Tristan. He is a very energetic person, to the point of acting like a kid at times. I can totally imagine him stomping his foot or beginning to bounce up and down. But here’s a few things I did notice:
Commas- I noticed sometimes that you miss them. Personally I think sometimes that people who rp energetic characters can get energized themselves while writing, and their writing feels very rushed a result. Sometimes it feels like Tristan forgets to take a breath in between what you’re writing for him- therefore you as a writer are forgetting to take a breath. XD Just make sure not to get so wrapped up that you forget to take your time. Some examples of when you’ve done this:
Yours: “He gave her his brightest, most charming and innocent smile even though he wasn’t at all sure if it would have any effect on her.”
Corrected: “He gave her his brightest, most charming, and most innocent smile even though he wasn’t at all sure if it would have any effect on her.”
Yours: ““Lady One-Eye”, he greeted her because he didn’t know her real name and slid onto the chair opposite of her, smiling brightly as he did so.”
Corrected: ““Lady One-Eye”, he greeted her, because (I would also have gone with “as” or “since” instead of because) he didn’t know her real name, and slid onto the chair opposite of her, smiling brightly as he did so.”
Yours: “In fact she looked like the opposite of that.”
Corrected: “In fact, she looked like the opposite of that.”
Starting Sentences With And- I’m a total hippocrit for being this up, as I do it myself. I constantly start sentences with But and And. However, it’s something a writer shouldn’t do. I try not to in roleplay, though I constantly do anyway, especially in personal writing. For example, you wrote:
“And then she started talking about clipping Faith’s wings.”
To correct this, perhaps word it as:
“Then she started talking about clipping Faith’s wings.”
“That was when she started talking about clipping Faith’s wings.”
More Emotion In Dialogue- This is just an opinion of mine. But I notice that you don’t always describe the tone of Tristan’s words. I’m a very straightforward writer, I like it all out there. Sometimes it’s hard to tell how Tristan is feeling because you show more than tell- but sometimes it’s hard to tell from just showing. I know he’s excitable, and your love of exclamation marks show that. But for example:
Yours: “He was trying to protect me?“ Tristan asked. “That was nice of him.”
My Way: “He was trying to protect me?“ Tristan asked, surprise filling his features. “That was nice of him.”
“He was trying to protect me?“ Tristan asked, pleasantly surprised. “That was nice of him.”
“He was trying to protect me?“ Tristan asked, sounding surprised, quirking an eyebrow. “That was nice of him.”
“He was trying to protect me?“ Tristan asked, eyes widening a fraction as he was unable to keep his surprise out of his voice. “That was nice of him.”
However, this is very much my writing style, so feel free to disregard this. Even just giving a “...” before or after some dialogue to show hesitance could change the emotion of a sentence.
However, these are literally the only negatives for Tristan and how you write him.
Doran - This would just be a bunch of compliments, really. I could list this entire thread as a positive. But I will note one thing:
Staying in Character- You excel at this. I will note that you do this for Tristan, too. But despite two very different characters, I cannot note a single thing that goes back to you outside of the writing style. You rp them both differently- to fit their character as you wrote them. Their thought process, their emotional awareness, their views on the world: all unique. All them. I have never found two characters with so little bias to their write. I wish I was better at this myself.
Tristan - You are a brilliant writer, Tristan. Truly, truly brilliant, I can not stress that enough. I found so many positive things, and here are a few:
Correct Placement- When you write dialogue, you do it better than most. It feels like something I’ve read out of an english class because it is truly perfect. For example:
“As for how we found you, I don’t know”, he admitted. “You have to ask her.”
^^ You have commas after the quotation to show a continuing sentence, pausing it at just the right moment, yet you know to put the period before the comma. I’ve seen writers be wrong on both accounts, and even I am guilty of the commas sometimes. To see how perfectly you do this, in each and every post, is great.
Perfectly Worded- You have no trouble speaking (or rather, writing). Your intent with Tristan is clear, his actions direct. Your grammar is good for the most part, and the vocabulary you use is splendid. You write smoothly, it’s never hard to understand what you are trying to convey.
Fun!- Tristan is fun. You write him in a joyful way, even when things aren’t so joyful. His bouts of excitement and the care in which he acts when around people he likes are very clear. You make him funny, and relatable, and I can honestly say this is why he is one of the best PCs to read in all of Idalos.
Levels to His Love- You portray the level of his relationships very well, doing the subtle shift in character when he’s with a stranger vs. when he’s with an enemy vs. when he’s with someone he loves (like Faith) in a flawless manner. This is a very difficult thing, and even I struggle with it. My characters trust and love too fast- but with Tristan, you can feel the gradual way his views are affected, his comfort level slowly changing. It’s a great thing to witness.