A section for players to give reviews and feedback on other users' and their writing style. This can be in the form of praise or constructive criticism.
- Approved Character
- Posts: 315
- Joined: Mon Nov 13, 2017 11:08 pm
- Race: Eídisi
- Renown: +54
- Character Sheet
- Prophets' Notes
- Plot Notes
Hi! Obviously, I haven't written with you before but I am capable of reading so I've looked at a few different threads of yours. I examined quite a few solos just to get a sense of her voice when others aren't around and her interactions with other PCs. Your writing style is quite lovely, your descriptions thorough and clear in their details. You do make a few small errors from time to time like missing a word here or there or putting words out of order but it's a minor thing and easy to do.
I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with allowing your own emotions or experiences to seep into a character. We typically write what we know, even if we think we're writing someone quite different from ourselves, there are often little facets of our personality that creep their way in. If a PC doesn't have a resemblance to us then we'll often model them, either consciously or unconsciously, on someone we know or someone we've seen. Even when a behaviour isn't our own, we've probably witnessed it and added things in from those observations. It can be easier to write characters that resemble ourselves in some way because we know how we'd respond to certain situations, or often how we think we'd react.
I can understand your concerns though and I can also imagine how her purpose might be uncertain. Given her starter quest, it might be possible to move in that direction, especially as she joined The Elements at least in part because of the access to resources. It might be advisable to explore her relationship with Elias in memories or her relationship with her mother so that you have a better sense of where her emotions are in the present. For instance, you eluded to the last moments that Sephira spent with Elias, little knowing that it was the last time she'd see him alive. It might be good to examine all those emotions and consider how she'd like to respond in her heart. The person who killed her mentor and attacked her mother obviously isn't going to be someone who she has a particular fondness for. How's her moral compass? Would she be a believer in justice? Would she rather take matters into her own hands? How does it make her feel to know that it's another mage? Might she try to learn more about Defiers given that she has access to some of them within the Flame Troops? Is it possible that she might manipulate others in order to achieve her ends, such as going out of her way to be more friendly to her peers?
These are the sort of things that spring to mind reading your threads. Obviously she isn't my character but I'd still want to gain a sense of these things if I wanted to push her forward. Additionally, if you ignore her focus on her military career, what does she do in her downtime? Is she someone who would do things for fun? Does she drink? Would she take drugs? How might that affect her magic? Would she be someone who'd be dragged out to have fun? Could you have that happen? Force her out of her comfort zone and perhaps your own comfort zone in the process and see what happens. You don't have to write something that's going to have repercussions for seasons to come, you can just have a one-shot that helps you gain a little insight into her personality, perhaps some facet of her that you didn't expect to find.
I can only offer advice, which I hope can be helpful. I can't fault your writing (and don't want to) and I think that Sephira's quite an intriguing character so I hope that you find the direction that you're searching for with her. Perhaps those modded threads that you have going with Pegasus and Aegis (still to be started, I know) will help as well. However, if you ever need someone to help push her in a particular direction and need someone to bounce off, I'm always happy to GST for you.
Hope this helps a little!
- Approved Character
- Posts: 398
- Joined: Fri Dec 22, 2017 6:40 pm
- Race: Mixed Race
- Profession: Flame Element
- Renown: +285
- Character Sheet
- Prophets' Notes
- Plot Notes
I can't thank you enough for this review Mae. You really took the time to investigate my issues and I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. *hugs*
You are right that characters often contain pieces of ourselves buried in their personalities. Sephira contains elements of self-doubt that are reflected in myself along with her naivety. I grew up in a small town like her then moved to a massive city, and sometimes of course I feel a bit lost. It's part of coming of age that I wanted her to experience. I feel as though I have deviated away from her time with Elias because it felt a little contrived; still, he was the catalyst that sent her away from home and she shouldn't forget that. He was also her purpose for leaving and joining the military, I will try and remember to include references to his influence in the future.
Like you mentioned I am going through a modded thread where Sephira should get some details about her past and hopefully the death of her mentor. I've left things very open for the mod so she can put this in a direction that she feels is best. I'm always game for letting the mods do as they like with my characters. Of course this leaves me a bit in the dark until I know how things are going to turn out, so until then I've kept Sephira somewhat stagnant since I don't know how it will change her personality. I may also investigate finding her a new mage mentor, perhaps Peg can assist with this. *peers at the troublesome winged horse*
Your suggestion about investigating Defiers is well reasoned, and it was one of the first things I did when she joined the Elements. One of her initial solos was expressly about training with a Defier and learning how to combat their techniques. Granted she had her butt handed to her, but she still learned something from the experience. The Defier NPC used is someone I have inserted multiple other times in her solos so she can build a relationship of trust with them.
Now I love the idea of forcing her out of her comfort zone, this is something that would also force me to write in situations that are a bit more novel. Thank you for the suggestion! Maybe in the future you could GST a fun off the wall thread for her. I would love it!
From the bottom of my heart I want to thank you again for this review. I did not expect a response this quickly, nor this comprehensive. You're the best!